Gonorrhea Always Ends With a HEA
by SweetPoeticJustice
Summary: Edward's night of random hookups leaves him with a telltale burning and itching. A trip to the student clinic provides him the relief he needs & Nurse Bella Swan just may cure him of his manwhore ways. Be warned: this is not your average cocktale.
1. Chapter 1

**OMG! Guess what? Twilight, Not mine! I know shocker!**

**This fic has been created in accordance with the recently enacted _Equal Wards Opportunity Act_**

**This Twi-FF legislation was put in place due to the amount of unfair and unbalanced not to mention unrealistic amounts of**

** Manwhorewards ****who are always 100% free of any and all STD's. To right this imbalance STDward and this fic were created. **

**If you have a problem with things that are snarky and off the wall this fic is not for you. Just warning you!**

**Also this is my first ever FF written completely on my own and not in collab with anyone else so please be kind. ::peeks nervously through fingers::**

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**_Gonorrhea Always Ends With a HEA; Not Your Average Cocktale_**

**Part One**

What tha' hell? I thought as I fought the itching in my upper groin for the four hundredth time today. I made a mental note to switch laundry detergents because whatever I am using now is causing me to itch like hell.

Walking out the front door of my apartment, I lock the door and head down the concrete stairs to my car. My brand new to me car, a 1985 Volkswagon Sirocco deluxe in gray. What? You have never heard of it before? Well neither had I. Don't laugh - it's what I could afford in my price range and it gets me from point A to point B. I will be graduating from the University of Puget Sound soon with a Bachelor's of Music and, with student loans and the lack of job prospects at the moment, I needed to save every penny and buy something cheap.

Hopping in my dilapidated hunk of junk, I stuck the key in the ignition and turned it slightly. The engine began to choke and wheeze like an 80 year old chain smoker before letting out a loud stuttered growl. Pulling out of my complex's parking lot, I made my way to my buddy Emmett's house. Emmett and I had been friends since we met at orientation our first day attending Puget Sound. Back then I was a gangly 18 year old with legs and arms too long for the rest of my body and a bit of an acne problem. Emmett wasn't much different than he was today. A big beefy man, intimidating as hell, but a big softie underneath once you got to know him. Based on his appearance, I was surprised when I found out he was majoring in Theatre Arts with a minor in Music. He had told me that, even though he had been one of the top jocks in high school and could have had a sports scholarship to almost anywhere, theatre and singing had always been a secret passion. With the popularity of shows like High School Musical and Glee, he felt inspired by the risks the characters Troy and Finn had taken to follow their hearts and decided he wanted to do the same. Yeah, I know. I had to try really hard to stifle a laugh too. But the dude was twice my size and my only friend at that point; I didn't want to get my face pounded in and lose my only friend.

Taking me under his wing, Emmett began bringing me to the gym with him everyday and, because of that, my tall and gangliness became toned and turned my body into the rock hard specimen it is today. My face cleared up and Emmett taught me how to flirt. It didn't take long before the two of us were well known on campus for being able to get any tail we wanted when we wanted it. The ladies loved us and couldn't keep their hands off of us and I can't say that I minded in the least. Hey, I'm a guy and a horny motherfucker at that. Just take a look at my long deft piano playing fingers - they are perfectly suited to bring a woman the greatest pleasure she had ever experienced and I was a man who know his way around a pussy. Any woman who was with me never left without being fully satisfied and several times over if I got my way.

Pulling into Emmett's apartment complex, I found a parking spot and headed to his door. I knocked twice on his front door before letting myself in. When I entered, I saw Emmett sprawled on the couch in only his underwear, sipping a beer while watching a game. Barely taking his eyes off the screen, he slightly waved and said "Hey Eddie boy." I rolled my eyes as I did every time he used the hated nickname. He knew he was the only one that I let get away with that shit. I strolled over to the fridge and grabbed myself a beer. Walking to the couch, I pushed Emmett's legs off of it and told him to make me some room. Sitting down, I popped open the beer and took a sip. We watched the game in silence for a while the occasional grunts and a "fucker" or two when our guys missed out on a pass and a "hell yeah" or "dude" when something went their way. Then the itching returned with a vengeance and I started to squirm on the couch trying for some form of relief.

"Dude, what's going on? You got ants in your pants Eddie boy?"

"No, I think I need to switch detergent or something. I think I'm allergic to whatever I am washing my clothes in. I've been itchy all day."

"Hey, you should try that Arm & Hammer Free and Clear. It's what I use - it's free of dyes and scents and seems to be pretty good shit dude. "

"Yeah? Thanks, man." Rising from the couch, I looked at Em and asked, "I gotta take a piss. Is your bathroom gonna make me want to puke if I use it?"

"Nah, man its clean. My mom came over to visit yesterday and cleaned it up."

"You're such a momma's boy."

"Yeah so, she brings me brownies and cleans my place on occasion. I don't see the downside."

"Good point." I grumbled and made my way to his bathroom. Once inside I noticed it was sparkling. Yeah mommy must have been there. Even if Emmett cleaned it himself it would never be this clean. Standing at the toilet, I began to relieve myself when a burning sensation ripped through my groin and dick. "AAAAARGH!" I screamed out. "Holy Shit what was that?" I mumbled to myself. I took a deep breath and a moment to recover from the fiery pain that just shot through my dick. I couldn't even finish, it was just too painful. Buttoning up my pants, I washed my hands and left the bathroom. Emmett must have gotten up while I was in the bathroom because now he had a large bag of Cheetos on his lap orange crumbs littering his white boxer shorts.

"Hey man, everything ok? You were making some interesting sounds from in there."

Running my fingers through my hair, tugging on the ends in an old nervous habit, I replied, "I don't know. I just tried to take a piss and it felt like someone lit a match on my dick."

"Oh! Ow!" Emmett exclaimed while hunching over and grabbing his crotch a bit. "That doesn't sound good at all man. You should probably get that checked out." He sat there contemplating something for a moment before he added, "I could take a look and give you my opinion if you wanted."

"Umm…yeah nice of you to offer Em, but one, what do you know you're not a medical professional and two, I am not dropping trou and showing you my junk."

"Whatever," he dismissed me, "I was just trying to help."

"Yeah, I think I am going to go see if I can get into the student clinic today."

"Ok man. Good luck!" I began to walk out the door when he stopped me. "Hey Edward who did you take home last night?" I stood there thinking for a minute trying to remember.

"Uh…some babe named Jessi I think. No wait, Jessi was earlier in the night while still at the party. Afterwards, I went out to some fuckhot redheads car what was her name...Teena…no….Tami…no…wait Tanya, yeah her name was Tanya."

"You did it with Tanya easier than a hooker on Sunday morning Denali?" he barked out with a laugh.

I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so. I was pretty wasted last night, so I don't remember everything very clearly."

"I sure as shit hope you remembered to bag that shit up."

"I always do. I mean, I don't remember actually doing it last night but I don't see why I wouldn't have."

"You better pray that you did. That girl gets around and is not known for having the cleanest sexual history. I mean everyone knows this Eddie boy. I can't believe it! She probably gave you the chatos - that's why your crotch itches!"

"What do your Cheetos have to do with anything right now?" I gave him a quizzical look feeling very confused.

"No not Cheetos CHAAAA-TOOOOOOS." Emmett said drawing the last word out enunciating each syllable. "You know the crabs, pubic lice?"

"What? Crabs! You think I could have crabs?" I practically shout at him.

"After sleeping with that hooker, I'd be surprised to find out that Crabs was the only thing you had."

"Holy shit man! I gotta go! I have to go have this checked out right now!" I started panicking and tugging on my hair more forcefully.

"You want me to come with you man? I mean for, like, moral support or some shit?"

"Um, I don't know." I said as I paced the spot in front of the door lost in my freak out.

Emmett jumped up off the couch. "Calm down. I am sure it's no big deal. Let me go slip some clothes on and come with you. I can't let you go out alone like this." I just shook my head in agreement and continued on with my frantic pacing. Moments later he reappeared from his bedroom in jeans and a t-shirt. "K, give me the keys to your shit excuse for a car Eddie. You are way too worked up to be driving right now." I just handed over my keys not thinking twice about it.

"Just drive us there quick, Em." Leaving his apartment, we quickly headed to my car. After Emmett was finally able to bring it to life, we sped off as fast as it would go (which wasn't very fast in the shit-mobile) and headed straight to the clinic.

As Emmett pulled the car into the clinic parking lot and without a moment's hesitation, I jumped out of the car before it had even come to a complete stop. Emmett yelled at me as I did. "Whoa there turbo, where's the fire? Oh yeah, I forgot. In your pants!" he said snickering. Momentarily, I paused to glare at the douchebag I considered a friend before turning and sprinting my way toward the glass double doors to the health center. Slowing myself as I neared the doors, I attempted to catch my breath, trying to avoid entering looking like a completely crazed lunatic. Composing myself the best I could, I apprehensively strolled into the sparsely lit, well used clinic on campus. I reached the large check in desk located front and center in the room. Behind the desk sat the receptionist - a darkly tanned blonde, chomping on a piece of gum while gossiping on the phone. I figured her tan must be fake; there was no way in Washington she was going to get that tan all on her own.

"I know! I can't believe he, like, said that to her! It's, like, so wrong yet sooo totally hot!" She exclaimed sounding every bit a clichéd California valley girl. The girl behind the desk went on completely ignoring me and continuing on in her conversation. "If she can't handle it sooo pass him my way. I can totally take it and we would, like, both enjoy ourselves while I did if you, like, know what I mean?" I directed a steely glare in the girl's direction, tapping my fingers on the reception desk while I impatiently waited. Finally realizing my presence, she looked in my direction still chomping her gum loudly while she mouthed "What?" I raised both of my eyebrows at her she just gave me a blank stare in return then shrugged and continued on with her conversation. "Uh-huh….yeah…oh yeah…oh totaaaaaalllly!" Emmett walked up and stood behind where I stood at the check-in desk.

"Hey, what's going on Eddie?" I stepped aside and turned to face him and took my frustration I felt towards the receptionist out on him. "I don't know. Bodacious Barbie here hasn't stopped her gossiping long enough for me to check in."

For the first time since he entered the clinic, Emmett took a good look at the receptionist. The girl was looking down at her nails poking them with a file while she continued her conversation on the phone. Lifting her head up a bit, she glanced at what was written on a post-it stuck to the side of her computer monitor. Emmett took the girl behind the desk in and got a dazed look in his eyes, licked his lips, then cleared his throat. At the sound of the throat clearing, the chatty receptionist lifted her head fully to try and take in where the sound had come from. When she saw Emmett standing before her, the look she got on her face near mirrored Emmett's, and she quickly ended her phone call.

"Alice, I, like, got to go. There is a patient, like, here. Yep ok love you too, like, talk to you later babe." She hung up the phone and locked her bright blue eyed gaze with Emmetts then licked her bright red lipstick covered lips. An eternity of awkwardness passed before the loquacious one spoke; her eyes never once left Emmett's. A slow seductive smile enveloped her face as she inquired "Well hello there, how can I help you?" Emmett pulled out the cootchie crier as he liked to call it. The coochie crier was basically the smile of his he swore made all women, young and old, wet just at the sight of it.

"My friend here needs to see one of your docs here about a problem he's having." Briefly she glanced in my direction and then turned back to Emmett.

"Ok and what does he like need to be seen for?"

"Well I…" I started, but was rudely cut off by a hand with long pink fingernails stuck practically in my face.

Glaring at me the receptionist spoke in an icy bitch voice "I wasn't, like, talking to you!" Moving her gaze back to Emmett, her look instantly softened. She dramatically batted her eyelashes and cupped the hand, which had moments ago been shoved in my face, under her chin. Being the traitor douchebag that he is, Emmett just chuckled and leaned in closer to her, resting his elbows on the small countertop at the check-in desk.

"Well you see," he began in a conspiratorial whisper, "This fucktard got wasted last night and got it on with Tanya Denali in the back of her car."

The receptionist quirked a well-manicured eyebrow in my direction followed by a small snort and said "You like totally banged Tanya Applause Denali? I sure as hell hope you double or even triple bagged your dick."

Rolling my eyes in response, Emmett started in. "He was so wasted he doesn't even remember if he used anything or not." Bodacious Barbie gawked at me and shook her head as if to say what an idiot. Emmett began again, "Wait why do you call her Tanya Applause Denali?"

"Because she is always coming in here with the clap. Get it, applause clap!"

Emmett let out a boisterous laugh, "That shit is brilliant! By the way, I don't think I caught your name miss?"

Clearing my throat, I interrupted "Uh…excuse me, my appointment?"

"Hold on, hold on there a minute Eddie boy. We will get your cooties problem taken care of, I just want to get this stunning beauty's name first." My eyes rolled once again. If this kept up it wouldn't be long before I was experiencing vertigo. Bodacious Barbie behind the counter blushed… I think. It was hard to tell with her overly tanned dark skin. Breathily she answered, "Rose, my name is Rose."

"Ah a perfect name, a beautiful woman named after a beautiful flower."

Bodacious Barbie, I mean Rose, giggled and asked Emmett, " And what is it they call you?"

"Well Rose," Emmett began letting his tongue linger on her name, "They call me a lot of things, most of them not proper for the presence of a lady, but you can call me Emmett."

"OK OK ENOUGH OF THIS!" I shouted tugging at the roots of my hair again. I begged "CAN I PLEASE SEE SOMEONE BEFORE MY DICK FALLS OFF?" Being the lucky bastard that I am, that was the moment the most beautiful woman I had ever seen stepped out of the hallway and into the waiting room where I stood. Her long mahogany hair was pulled back into a ponytail, accentuating her striking large round chocolate eyes; pink full lips graced her mouth; she was spectacular. She wore typical medical office scrubs, but I could tell beneath the loose fabric there was a body that would make gods cry. She stood in the entryway between the waiting room and the hallway she just came from with a quizzical look on her face directed at me, one eyebrow quirked slightly. Realization dawned on me what I had just shouted and that she must have overheard. I was instantly mortified.

Rose glanced over in the direction where the goddess that had just entered the room stood. "Oh hey Bella, we got this guy here," Rose motioned in my direction, "Who was dumb enough to stick his dick in Miss applause-a-lot and needs to get checked out."

Amusedly Bella eyed me, "Well ok then, lucky for him it's a slow day and I think Dr. Cullen can see him now. I'm sorry sir I didn't catch your name?"

"Oh, it's Edward."

"Ok, Edward. Grab one of those clipboards with the paperwork on it and you can fill it out back here while you wait to see Dr. Cullen. Come with me and I will show you to your room." I followed behind her like a lost puppy dog sneaking peeks at her ass as she sashayed down the hall. Her ass was round and pert and I had to stick my hands in my pockets to stop myself from reaching out and squeezing it. Staring longer than I realized, I lost track of my surroundings and ran straight into a cold hard metal doorframe.

"Ooomph, oh shit that hurt." I rubbed my forehead which had gotten the brunt of the impact.

A small melodious giggle filled the room. "Oh, I'm sorry Edward," she said trying to get ahold of her giggle fits, "Are you ok?" Moving in closer, she inspected my damaged forehead. As she did, this weird buzzing and heat surround us. I felt a magnetic pull pushing me to be closer to her. I resisted the pull, despite everything within my body that cried for me not to, and kept my distance.

Stepping back, I murmured, "Yeah I am fine." Sitting down on a small black leather padded stool in front of the computer, I watched as her petite, lean fingers lithely typed on the keyboard as she logged in and started asking me the typical questions. The reality of the types of questions this woman I was lusting over would be asking me hadn't occurred to me until after they left her mouth, leaving me feeling even more embarrassed than previously.

"Ok Edward, what are we seeing you for today?" Pausing and considering something momentarily, she smirked then began again, "Or maybe I should ask why do you think your dick is going to fall off?" Fantastic, she did hear me say that. My gaze shot to the floor - I now found my black Adidas quite fascinating.

I stammered, "Well, umm…you see I was having this itch, ya know, in my pants," I motioned my hands up and over my groin area, "and I thought it was just an allergic reaction to my laundry detergent or something." Finding the courage to raise my gaze, I looked away from my shoes and up towards Bella. She was listening intently and waiting for me to continue, so I did. "But when I used the bathroom at my friends Em's place, I tried to take a piss and when I did it burned really badly." Care and concern filled her smoky brown eyes. I figured it was only because it was part of her job to act and make others feel as if she gave a damn.

"Ok Edward, well those symptoms could mean a lot of different things. Let me ask you a few more questions then Dr. Cullen will be in momentarily."

Nodding my head I let out a soft "Ok."

"Do you take any medications either prescription or over the counter?"

"No."

"Any herbs or supplements like a multi vitamin."

"Umm…I take a multi vitamin everyday."

"Ok, good." She said then noted it in my chart in the computer.

"Any Allergies we should know of?"

"Nope." I replied.

"Ok and are you sexually active Edward?" This time I could feel myself blush at the question. I don't know why. I am a young collegiate American male; it would be more odd if I wasn't. Plus, she already heard me scream my worries about my dick falling off due to infection.

"Yes." Was my one word answer, she typed more info into the document on the computer

"Ok and when was the last time you had intercourse?"

"Uh…Umm…last night."

"Ah, I suppose it was with Miss Denali am I right? Wait, no, that was inappropriate. You don't need to answer that."

"No, no it's ok. Boda… I mean Rose already outed me over that, so yes I got wasted and slept with Tanya last night. I was so far gone I didn't even know it was her, not that knowing would help because until today I was unaware of her reputation." Bella snorted "What?"

"I am sorry but have you been living under a rock? Pretty much everyone within a five state radius is aware of her reputation."

"Well I guess I am just exceptionally unobservant then," I spat. "Sorry," I quickly apologized, "I shouldn't have reacted like that."

"No, its ok. I would be pretty livid too if I just discovered I slept with that disease covered ho-bag, which I really shouldn't have just said. Forgive me, it's seems my tongue is on auto-pilot today and not taking orders from my brain."

Smiling at her, I replied, "No worries, it was just the truth."

Bella gave me a small smile then typed her last few notes into my digital chart then stood up. "Just finish filling out that paperwork and Dr. Cullen should be in shortly."

"Ok, thanks," I said once again, looking into the warm brown eyes that had come so quickly to captivate me so. She shot me a friendly smile before turning and leaving the room, shutting the door behind her. I filled out all the needed medical mumbo jumbo on the paperwork while I waited for Dr. Cullen to show.

Ten minutes later a loud knock sounded on the door and in walked a kind looking blonde haired, blue-eyed man.

"Hello," he said brightly, stepping towards me with his right hand outstretched. "I am Dr. Carlisle Cullen, I will be your physician today, and you are…" he paused, looking at the chart and papers in his hand.

"Edward," I told him, "Edward Masen."

"Well Mr. Masen…"

"Just call me Edward, please. Mr. Masen is my father." Nodding, he walked a few steps and sat on the same small stool Bella had previously occupied.

"Well, Edward what can we do for you today?"

I felt aggravated that I had to explain my whole situation over again. I never understood why I had to tell the nurse everything and then the doctor the same things ten minutes later. Dr. Cullen seemed kind and it was my own fault I had to be here anyway, so I tried to not let the irritation seep into my voice. I explained to him, as I did to Bella, my reasons for coming in. He nodded knowingly as I spoke.

"Ok Edward, I am going to need to take a look at the area and run a few tests before I can tell you for sure what the problem is." Handing me a white paper-like robe, he told me to undress and put the paper robe on. "I will give you some privacy to change while I go grab Nurse Swan and then we will take a look at it ok?"

"Ok, umm…but can I ask why a nurse needs to be in here to?"

"It's for legal and harassment issues - to protect both you as the patient and me as the doctor."

"Oh, ok. That makes sense." Nodding in assent, Dr. Cullen stepped out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Happy he was bringing in a different nurse than Bella, I took off my shoes and jeans and t-shirt while thinking about the name Nurse Swan and how it sounded like it belonged to an older women. Yeah, it would be weird to have her see my junk, but not as embarrassing as if it was the hot, young nurse Bella. She would be old and experienced. It's part of her job - I am sure nurse Swan, in her thirty something year career I was imagining, had seen lots of patients' dicks. It just went with the territory, right?

A few minutes later a loud knock pounded on the door. Adjusting myself comfortably on the exam table, I told them they could come in. Imagine my surprise when Dr. Cullen walked in, Bella in tow. Looking at him quizzically, I practically shouted "I thought you were getting Nurse Swan?"

Chuckling, he replied, "This is Nurse Swan."

"No, this is Bella," I told him adamantly. Both Dr. Cullen and Bella looked at each other and laughed as if they were in on some joke together.

"Yes," Dr. Cullen said, "Nurse Bella Swan."

"Oh." was all my mouth could manage to say. I felt like a complete idiot and all the while my brain was shouting expletives at me. Here I sat in this cold doctor's office, wearing nothing but a small piece of paper, where I get to let the doctor feel me up while this hot young nurse watches. Awesome.

"Ok Edward, please lay down on the exam table." Dr. Cullen told me. I obeyed and stretched my legs straight out in front of me. The table was much too short for my 6'1" frame and the majority of my legs hung precariously off the edge. Bella moved to a spot in the corner of the small room; she could still see everything but was farther away and her face wasn't going to be up close and personal with the pussy pillager. Yes, don't act so surprised, I named my dick. All guys do it. Anyway, she stayed in the corner as Dr. Cullen put some gloves on his hands then walked over and asked if it was ok if he lifted my robe up to get a look at the area. What was I gonna say, no? I mean, I am already lying here naked and spread out for him, I don't think an invitation is exactly needed, but whatever. I told him yeah sure whatever, do what ya gotta do doc. He lifted up the paper exposing me to the cold, acrid air of the room. I kept my eyes focused on the graying ceiling tiles. I didn't want to look at Bella while the good ol' doc touched my happy stick and I definitely did not want to look at the doc.

"Ok Edward, I am going to need to touch you now so I can get a better look at the underside of your penis." Letting out a deep breath I just nodded my head ok. Moments later the doc was done and told me I could cover back up. He said he wanted to run a few tests but I could put my clothes back on then go meet Nurse Swan in front of the bathroom across the hall to give a urine sample. I was not happy about that. It hurt like a bitch to pee right now, but I figured he needed the sample so he could fix whatever was making it that way, so I just said ok and they both left the room shutting the door once again. Quickly, I changed and met Nurse Swan across the hall. Entering the bathroom, I endured the pain that I at least knew to expect now and peed in the damn cup for them. I left the cup on the counter as I was told, washed my hands and headed back to my room to learn my fate.

Twenty minutes later Dr. Cullen once again knocked on my door before entering my room. Sitting back down on the stool he looked me in the eyes. "Edward, as I feared your urine sample did test positive for gonorrhea or as it is sometimes called the clap."

"Oh shit." I breathed out loudly. "It's treatable right doc?"

"Yes it is completely treatable with a round of antibiotics. Gonorrhea has begun to develop a few strains of anti-biotic resistant bacteria. I don't think we will need to worry about that with you. Just make sure you finish the entire course of treatment even if things clear up before all the medication is gone. Be sure to call me if things don't start to improve within the next few days." Nodding my head in understanding, Dr. Cullen went on. "The gonorrhea diagnosis covers the burning sensation while urinating. Now the itching you are feeling is a completely separate issue. It appears you also seem to have somehow acquired a case of pubic lice or crabs."

"Fuck my life! Not one, but two STD's?" I exclaimed and buried my face in my hands shaking my head. I felt Dr. Cullen's hand reach over and grasp my shoulder.

"Son, it will be alright. It is all completely treatable. I am sure I don't need to tell you this now, but as your doctor I feel it is my obligation to encourage you in the future to use safer sex practices so you can avoid this happening again and maybe make wiser choices in partners." He looked at me and smiled, his eyes dancing with some sort of amusement. I could tell he probably had some joke he was trying to contain for the sake of being professional. I decided to let him off the hook. I deserved it for being such a dumbass.

Looking up I gave him a slight smile "Ok doc, out with it, I know you got something you want to say. Maybe a joke at my expense about me and my idiocy? I'm a big boy, I can handle it."

Dr. Cullen let out a loud laugh you could tell he had been suppressing. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh at your mistakes, but come on! Tanya Denali! You can't actually lead me to believe you had no clue about her?"

"Well it seems everybody was aware of her and her reputation except for me. Honestly, until last night I had never even heard of her let alone her reputation. Trust me doc I have learned my lesson and I think this experience may have scared me into celibacy."

The good doctor let out another loud guttural laugh. "I don't think you need to go that far, although that would make it a lot less likely for you to contract anything like it again." He then gained a more serious look on his face, care filling his blue eyes. "Just be more careful about whom you choose to sleep with and, for goodness sake man, bag it before you shag it!" I sat there, stunned, my mouth gaping. I could not believe he just said that. It only took moments before I was laughing harder than I ever had. We were both doubled over, tears seeping from our eyes. The door was open and Bella peered in looking part concerned and part amused.

"Is everything ok in here Dr. Cullen?"

"Yes, yes Bella, everything is fine." Dr. Cullen choked out between laughs .

"Well…ummm…ok then." She replied smiling largely and shaking her head at what she must have thought were two men who had completely lost their minds. Bella turned to leave then stopped. Wiping tears from my eyes, I looked up to see Bella's chocolate eyes meet my green ones. She smirked then questioned me, "Wait, did he just tell you to bag it before you shag it?"

"Yes he did." I answered her while trying to regain composure.

With a roll of her eyes Bella looked at Dr. Cullen and said, "I'm telling Esme."

Dr Cullen just psshed her, "Where do you think I got it from?"

Bella stood there wide eyed. "No way," then shook her head in disbelief before walking back out the door.

"Now where were we again Edward?" Dr. Cullen began, "Oh yes, the crabs will just require you to fill a special prescription shampoo. He instructed me on how to use the shampoo and properly remove the nits from my pubic hair. It was one of the most awkward conversations of my life. After informing me of all the nitty gritty details, he handed me a prescription for Lindane the special shampoo and the antibiotic ceftriaxone for the awesome bout of clap I had contracted. After making me promise I would call him or come back in if I had any additional problems or it didn't go away, I was finally free to go.

Bella was standing outside another patient's room marking something on their chart. She waved and said, "Take care Edward." Setting the chart down, she stepped towards me, leaned in closer, and whispered in my ear, "And be careful where you let your Roman soldier dive from now on. It would be a travesty to lose such a big, beautiful boy." Stepping back, she winked and grabbed the chart she had been filling out and entered into the next patient's room. I stood there stunned; did she just say what I thought she did? I brought myself out of my lust induced trance and willed the semi I had gained during the sirens brief interaction with me to go down. Making my way into the waiting room, I found Em behind the receptionist desk, sitting in Bodacious Barbie's chair as she straddled him. The two of them were in full on make out.

"Come on Em, I'm done and I'm tired. Lets go get these filled and go home." Reaching into his pocket he tossed me my keys his lips never once left their locked position with Rose. He just waved me on. I took that as a sign he would find his own way home and left the clinic to hop in my clunker and make my way to the pharmacy.

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**::slowly removes fingers from eyes:: Please to not be maiming me for giving Edward a 2 for 1 special.**

**I am not a doctor and all I knew on STD's and their treatment I learned from Google. So yeah best to not be taking the info in here as actual info and advice m'kay? **

**There is more to this story and the second part will update soon. Not sure exactly when but soon, because have we had our HEA yet?**

**No, and Gonorrhea always ends with what? That's right a HEA!**

**Mucho thanks and adoration go to Nikita2009 for being my encouragement and cheerleader to follow through with my twisted idea. Without her this story would not be, at all! SueBee0619 Your are the best masteh beta evah! Your skills rock and you are the chato's to my cheeto's...wait mebbe that's not the best thing but you know what I mean. Ninnie Without you girl this story would be chato-less and that would be tragic so thank you and kisses to you all!**

**Reviews are better than getting to watch Dr. Cullen inspect Edward's pussy pillager**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hiiiiiii! *waves like a maniac* Thanks for coming back for another dose of craziness!**

**The response to last chap was amazing and blew me away! Thank you so much!**

**This is dedicated to Team STDward; Suephyllis & Grannypantsorrhea You make Crablice's heart happy!**

**If I owned Twilight Edward probably would have ended up somehow getting two STD's even though he was virgin vampire *shrugs***

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**Gonorrhea Always Ends With a HEA; Not Your Average Cocktale**

**Part Two**

It's been several months since the whole 2 for 1 STD debacle and I haven't had sex of any type since then. In fact, I am a little freaked out to. Well, unless I go take the girl for a complete screening first and you know that kind of ruins the mood.

Emmett is still with Rose, which is amazing because he has never been in any sort of long term relationship. He seems happy and I am happy for him, even if I can barely stand his choice. He keeps giving me a hard time about not getting any and calling me an ornery motherfucker who just needs to get laid. I just can't bring myself to do it and ever since making the acquaintance of a certain stunning brunette those few months ago no other women even slightly compares.

I find myself fantasizing about her all day and having lust filled dreams of her all night. I have even considered dropping by the clinic a few times, maybe faking a minor ailment or something, but I always end up talking myself out of it. I considered asking Rose about Bella, but Rose will barely give me the time of day. Whenever left alone in a room with her, her sweater lint suddenly takes on magical distracting properties and she becomes fascinated and wholly absorbed by it. Gotta love getting blown off for sweater fuzz. I don't know, maybe it sparkles in the light and she is seduced by the shiny. I wouldn't put that option past her, but I really don't think that's it.

Regardless, it doesn't really matter anyway. A nice girl like Bella is probably married or has a boyfriend. Even if she doesn't, there is no way she would date someone like me; someone who had been into the clinic just a few months prior and diagnosed with a double dose of creepy crawly cock creatures. I still disgusted myself.

Two weeks ago I officially graduated with my Bachelors of Music from the University of Puget Sound. While at commencement I happened to get another look at the infamous disease spreader herself, Tanya Denali. I don't know what I, or any other man who has willingly stuck their dick in her, was thinking. She wasn't all that much to look at. She was too thin with no curves, stringy red hair and absolutely no ass. Her nose was one of longest and most crooked I had ever seen. When she happened to open her mouth and say a few words, I immediately started looking around for Fran Drescher but nope, no Nanny. Didn't take long to figure out the shrill spine grating nasal sound was actually coming from Tanya. Her only possibly positive feature was her nice big knockers, even if they appeared to be completely fake. It was hard to believe that, even as wasted as I was, I actually slept with her and thought she was hot. The beer goggles must have been on prescription strength that night. The thought that I actually let my Roman Soldier take a dive in her,as Bella put it, made me sick and ready to lose my lunch.

I sat at my computer searching for a job, any job. Lately I find myself wondering what the hell I was thinking when I majored in music. No minor in education or anything slightly useful. Finding employment was a bitch and, unless I was willing to get a minimum wage job at the fast food joint around the corner, there weren't many options. Money was getting tight and I needed to find something fast or it wouldn't be long before I was living in my piece-o-shit car down by the river. Scanning the online classifieds for the umpteenth billion time and seeing nothing that even an idiot would hire me to do, I growled in frustration, banging my head on the keyboard. Somehow, in the process of my conniption, my forehead managed to hit just the right keys bringing my speakers to life. Instantly, my apartment was filled with the sounds of Beck shrieking _I'm a loser baaabeee soo why don't you kill me_. Standing up and shoving my chair backwards with a force that knocked it on its side, I growled in frustration then bent to slam my laptop closed effectively turning the damn offensive noise off. Storming over to the kitchen and grabbing myself a glass from the cupboard, I got myself some water from the faucet. Standing at the sink, I was contemplating the sucktackular turn my life had taken when I heard my front door open and Emmett's booming voice call me.

"Hey Asswipe!" he bellowed.

"Don't you ever knock?" I demanded.

"Don't you ever lock your door?" He quipped back.

I really wasn't in the mood for this. Sighing, I asked him, "What do you want Emmett? I am not I n the mood for this."

"What do I want?" he asked ,then pretended to stroke a nonexistent vaudevillian style mustache before saying in his best Godfather voice, "What I want is to make you an offer you can't refuse."

"Cut the crap, Em. Like I said, I am not in the mood for your asshattery."

"Ok, ok, but I think once you hear my offer you are going to be in a much better mood."

"If I told you once, Emmett, I told you a thousand times I am not fucking some girl you paid to get tested to prove she was clean and then _do_ me."

Emmett laughed loudly. "No, no, it's nothing like that, although you got to admit that was classic. I thought for sure she was gonna junk punch me, not actually take me up on the deal."

"Hardy har har. I think we have reached the statute of limitations for teasing me on my abilities to get a 2 for 1 special on STD's. Spit it out, man. What do you want from me?"

His demeanor changed and his typical boisterous enthusiasm went up about three notches on the excitement scale. I could tell he was trying really hard not to bounce on the balls of his feet. Finally he blurted out. "I got you a job, man!"

"Wha? How did _you_ get me a job?"

"Rosie's brother Jasper owns this bar. He mentioned they were in need of someone to help with the sound system and play the piano when needed. I told him I had a friend who knew how to do shit like that and that you were looking for a job. He told me to tell you to just come on in and the job is yours."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah dude, here's the address" Emmett slipped me a piece of torn notebook paper with the bar's address scribbled down on it.

"Thanks man!" I said, genuinely grateful. "I think I will go check it out tonight."

"No problem, Eddie boy. What are friends for? I gotta go. I have plans with Rosie, I just wanted to let you know about that."

"Thank you so much Em, this is perfect." With that, he nodded before turning around and leaving back out the door. I was filled with anticipation. I now had a job. I couldn't wait until tonight when I could go check the place out. Sounded like it might be kind of classy if they needed a piano player and I could only imagine the big tips one would get in an upscale place like that.

Around nine that evening, I made my way to the address that was scrawled on the piece of paper Em had given me. I found myself standing in front of a bar called the _White Swallow_ and it looked like a pretty nice place.

Seeing as Rose's brother was the owner, I wasn't really sure what to expect. I just assumed he would be a lot like her, but in male form - a well-tanned blonde surfer dude. But from the looks of what I had seen so far of this establishment, my assumptions couldn't be further from the truth. Stepping inside, I took in the sophisticated yet trendy piano bar. There were open ceilings and a contrast of dark walls and tables to bright colored chairs and wall hangings. It was an eclectic mix of modern straight lines in the architecture while the furnishings had the curves and finesse of something more vintage. The combination gave the venue a look and feel I had never seen before. Right away I liked the place and could tell I would enjoy working here.

The night was young and it was relatively empty inside. I was grateful for this fact since it would make it easier for me to find Jasper. Walking up to the main bar, I saw a slim, average-height, blond man standing behind it. I assumed he must be the bartender. "Excuse me, sir, could you tell me where I could find Jasper Hale?" The man turned to face me and I was met with the bluest eyes I had ever seen. The bartender threw a small white towel over his shoulder, quirked a lazy smile, and leaned onto the bar amusement dancing in his eyes.

"Well, that depends entirely – who's askin'?" he replied, a slight southern drawl lacing his tone.

"Oh I'm sorry. My name is Edward Masen. My friend Emmett dates his sister Rose and I was told Jasper might have a job for me."

"Ah, Edward Masen. Yes, we were expecting you and it just happens to be your lucky day because I'm Jasper." He offered his right hand towards me in greeting which I shook with a firm grip before letting go. After the introductory niceties, he came around to the side of the bar where I was standing and proceeded to show me around and explain what would be expected of me. Most of it, he told me, would just be playing the piano and taking requests, but on the weekends and Wednesday nights they had some special performances. Those would require me to set up and maintain the sound system and play any songs the performers may request accompaniment too. It sounded like a pretty sweet and easy job to me and the piano was a beautiful top of the line Steinway that I couldn't wait to get my fingers on. As we talked, patrons begun to slowly trickle in. I noticed that many of the women were - how do you put it nicely - on the less attractive scale. I found this somewhat surprising, considering what a trendy and upscale place the _White Swallow_ seemed to be. I expected a place like this to be crawling with high class babes. It's not like it mattered; I wouldn't be looking for anyone to hook up with. I was done sleeping around. The standing ovation I had gotten from Tanya was enough to scare me off sex for quite some time.

Thanking Jasper, I let him know I would love to take the job. He asked me to start on Thursday evening and I told him I would see him then. He told me a few guys would be putting on a show that night, but they always took care of any and all needed music arrangements themselves. Nodding my head in understanding, I thanked him again and headed home; thankful to now be able to say I was gainfully employed.

Thursday rolled around and I nervously got dressed for my first night of work at the White Swallow. Jasper hadn't told me what he expected me to wear, but I figured some black slacks with a white button down shirt should be basic enough. I could question him on what his expectations were of my dress later tonight when I saw him again. Jasper had told me to arrive about 5:00, so I was very careful and showed up right on time. I wanted to prove my competence to my new boss

Going inside the establishment, I found Jasper and asked him what his expectations were of me this evening and what type of music he would like me to play. He didn't have anything specific in mind and told me it was up to my discretion; he would just prefer to keep the mood low key the first part of the evening. Finding the piano, I was excited to finally get my hands on the keys of this beautiful, black, top of the line Steinway. For about three hours I tickled the ivories and, as I did and the evening grew on, so did the crowd. Once again, I noticed the unusual type of women this club seemed to attract. Most the women here were of a taller and broader body shape than most girls I had encountered. There was also something about their facial features that seemed a bit off to me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

The ladies were all extremely friendly and flirtatious, which was nothing new for me to deal with and certainly helped with the tips. The tip jar was already moderately full with bills and I had only been playing a few hours. I was pleased that my assumption about this being the type of place the moderately wealthy frequented was correct.

Finishing up the song I had been playing, I left the piano to take a small scheduled break and check in with Jasper. Approaching the bar, I found an empty bar stool in a relatively empty section, sat down and ordered a Heineken Light from one of the bartenders. I figured I could sit back and relax with a beer while I waited for Jasper to have a minute to talk to me. The bartender brought me my beer and I began to sip from it and decompress a bit.

While I was lost in my own thoughts, a long haired brunette sidled up next to me, startling me a bit. She was wearing an extremely short purple sequined dress that barely covered her ass. Looking her over, I smiled, noticing she had some really nice legs. Hey, I may not be out sleeping with anything that moves like I did before, but I was still a man and noticed an attractive woman when he saw one. A little bit of flirting never hurt anyone.

"Hey sailor," the brunette purred, sitting on the seat next to mine.

"Hey." I crooned back with a wink, before going back to savoring my drink.

"You're really talented, you know," she breathed huskily into my ear.

Turning with a smirk, I told her, "Thank you."

"What I wouldn't give to feel those long fingers of yours playing me."

I sputtered and spit out my drink. This woman didn't waste any time getting down to business. Thinking about how long it had been since I had been with a woman, I began to consider playing along. We wouldn't have to go all the way, I told myself, just second, maybe third base. Plus, how far could I actually get on my small break? It had been way too long since I had that type of fun.

"Why don't we go somewhere quieter were we can talk?" she suggested, innuendo lacing her tone. I was considering it and just about to take her up on her offer, when a smaller woman with chin length spiky black hair walked up and smacked my new leggy friend with her purse.

"Lauren, leave him alone! He's off limits and still on the clock." Lauren looked over at her attacker and gave her a snide look.

"Oh hey Alice, I was just making the new piano player feel welcome."

With a roll of her eyes, Alice responded, "Yeah I bet you were, now scram before I find and hide all your hideous favorite _Cherry Popper_ flavored lipstick someplace where you'll never see it again!"

Lauren gasped "You wouldn't?"

"You know full well I would, so go!" With a sneer and a huff, Lauren stood up and walked away and Alice settled into her spot.

"Hi, I'm Alice. Sorry about Lauren there, she can be a bit much sometimes."

"Oh I was fine. She wasn't really bothering me."

"Not yet, she wasn't, but five more minute and I am sure you would have been screaming for help."

"That bad, huh?"

"For you, yes. I just don't think she is really your type."

"Oh, really? And what is my type? You?"

She snorted. "Oh no, I am definitely not your type either and anyway, even if I was I am taken. Jasper is my boyfriend."

"Oh, well I wouldn't want to mess with my boss's girl, now would I?"

"No, no, you would not." she chimed with a slight giggle.

"You're doing really good you know, everyone is talking about you."

"Really?"

"Really, and it probably doesn't hurt that you are rather good looking too."

"Ha! As long as it keeps my tip jar filled so I can pay rent, I'll take it any way I can get it."

She gave me an impish smile and responded, "I'd be careful and not say those kind of things too loud here."

Feeling confused, I asked her, "Why not?". Before she could answer me, Jasper walked up, leaned over the bar and gave Alice a small peck on the lips.

"Hey babe, I see you met Edward."

"Yes, I did. I think he is going to do a great job."

"He already is."

Putting down my drink, I turned to Jasper. "Thanks. I really appreciate this gig. It seems to be working out well so far, but I better get back to the piano. I just wanted to take a break and check in with you for a minute."

"Really, you are doing great man, couldn't have asked for better." Nodding, I shook his hand and made my way back to the piano. I played until about eleven o' clock that evening when Jasper told me I could be done for the night. The performers would be going on soon and I wouldn't be needed the rest of the night. He mentioned I was more than welcome to stay and watch the show. I thanked him, but told him I was pretty tired and thought I would just head home instead.

I grabbed my tip jar off the top of the piano and watched with curiosity as tonight's crew began to set up for the show. I wasn't sure what type of performers they had coming in, but it looked like it was not going to be your run of the mill show. I almost considered staying, but didn't really know anyone and going home and changing into some comfortable clothes just sounded so much better right now. I was sure there would be plenty of chances for me to see whatever it was they were getting ready for, seeing as I worked here now.

I was almost out the door when I heard a loud laugh accompanied by a snort that caught my attention. Veering my gaze slightly to my right, I caught a glimpse of mahogany hair and pert pink lips. It was the same mahogany hair and pert lips that had invaded my dreams these past few months. Because of all of those dreams, I knew the face well and I was sure it was Bella. I debated for a second whether or not I should go over and say hi; she didn't really know me. I only met her once and that was as her patient. I doubt she would remember me and, even if she did, why would she want anything to do with me after she knew about the two for one special I had come in with.

The trouble was that I had basically been obsessed with her for months; I needed to get her out of my mind. I thought maybe, if I went up and talked to her, I would discover she wasn't everything I had remembered and built her up to be. So, telling myself _fuck it_, I grew some balls and decided to go for it.

Nervously, I walked in her direction. The place had gotten rather full in anticipation of the show and I had to weave my way through several people. By the time I had walked the small distance of space between us, she was nowhere to be found. The thought occurred to me that I could search her out, but that seemed a bit stalkerish. I decided against looking for her; resigning myself to the fact that it wasn't meant to be. I left the building and headed home.

I don't know why I felt so dejected and depressed over not getting to talk to Bella; it was much more than I should feel for a woman I only met once. I couldn't get her out of my mind and I was starting to wonder if this crush, turned obsession, on her was going to mess with me for the rest of my life.

Feeling lower and more desolate by the moment, I drank myself into oblivion. I hadn't drunk much since the night I had slept with Tanya , the disease factory. My body was not used to the copious amounts I imbibed and I passed out not long after I began.

When I woke up the next morning, I swore someone was shining a large bright flashlight in my eyes until I realized I was on my living room floor and it was actually the bright morning sun escaping through a crack in the curtains. There was a loud pounding and I assumed it was my head from my hangover, but then I heard a low timbered voice shouting Eddie boy and threatening to sing songs from Funny Girl coming from the other side of the door. It was then that I realized that, even though my head was pounding, the actual pounding was coming from another location. Slowly peeling myself off the couch and dragging my aching body to the door, I opened it only to find Emmett.

"Hey, how'd it go last night?" he asked me with an odd tone layered with both trepidation and amusement.

"Uh…fine, I think it's gonna work out really great."

"So Rosie didn't tell me until last night about what Jasper's bar was like, so I was unsure if you were still ok with working there. It doesn't make you feel uncomfortable at all?"

My forehead furrowed and scrunched in question. "Why would it make me uncomfortable?"

"It's not that I think you're like that, I just know that some people have a hard time in places like that."

"Like what?"

"Ya know, bars like Jasper's."

"Ummm…Oooohkay," I said in a long, drawn out breath. "It's just a bar. Things went great, everyone liked my playing, they tipped well and I am playing again tonight. Uh, Em, do you wanna come in?" I offered, noticing we were still standing in the doorway. "I really need to sit down," I groaned out.

"Yeah, what the hell man? You look like shit. What happened?"

"Come in and sit down. I'll tell you all about it."

"Okay, but I can't stay long."

I nodded softly to acknowledge I heard him but not hard enough to mess with my spinning and pounding skull too much. Stumbling my way to the couch, I slumped my abused, alcohol reeking body down on it. Placing my palms over my face, I began to rub my temples. Emmett just sat and patiently waited for me to begin.

Finally I blurted out, "I saw Bella there last night."

"Bella? Bella, from the clinic Bella?"

Letting out a loud sigh, I said, "Yeah."

"Why was Bella at the White Swallow?" Emmett asked me, confusing filling his eyes.

"Why the fuck would I know? I just know she was and I was going to talk to her, but then she was gone before I could and…"

"Seriously man, I can't believe you are still hung up on her."

"Yeah, me either," I mumbled under my breath.

"I don't know why I can't get her out of my head. She's always there no matter what. It's like I feel this strange inexplicable pull towards her. So last night I came home frustrated with the situation and drank myself into oblivion until your loud thrashing on my front door woke me up."

"Dude! Your only problem is you just need to get yourself laid, like pronto!"

"Yeah, yeah that's probably it," I sighed. I didn't really believe that was the reason, but I really wanted to.

Emmett leaned over in my direction and cupped his big meaty hand on my shoulder and looked straight into my eyes. "Hey no worries, bro. You'll figure it out ok?"

I let out a deep breath. "Yeah, I know, I know."

"Ok." Emmett stood and patted me roughly on the back. "Sorry, but I got to go. Call me or come over to my place later if you still need to talk, ok?"

I walked with him to the front door to see him out. I felt embarrassed about the raw emotion that was passing between us, so I kept my eyes down towards the floor and told him, "Thanks man. It means a lot that you listened to me." I looked up towards him to show him I meant what I said.

"Anytime, Eddie boy, anytime." he remarked with a caring smirk, patting me roughly on the back one more time before he left.

Later that evening, after I had changed into something I felt would be work appropriate, I stood in my bathroom trying to calm my riotous bronze locks. I gave myself the once over in the mirror and figured I looked as good as it was going to get. Leaving the bathroom and entering my bedroom, I grabbed my keys off my dresser and headed out to another night of work at the White Swallow.

As soon as I stepped foot inside the bar, I could tell tonight was going to be a bit different. Things were already buzzing and there were quite a few people already there. The piano was missing from its typical spot and the empty space was now a flurry of activity. They were setting up what seemed to look like a small stage, complete with scenery and props. I finally detected the grand black Steinway in its new location, which happened to be onstage. The scene that was being set up made the stage appear as if it was the prow of a large cruise ship. I didn't know if I was going to be playing the piano while it was up there or not. I decided to seek out Jasper and find out what this night would entail for me. I began walking towards the back office when I was stopped by a tall brown haired man who I almost mistook for that one actor. You know, the one in that movie with… oh yeah, Jake Gyllenhaal. He looked oddly similar to him.

"Oh My Gosh! Are You Edward Masen?" he asked, excitement and happiness just bouncing around him. "They were right, you are good looking," then licked his lips. I was starting to feel a bit awkward around this man.

Looking him in the eye, I replied, "Yeah, I'm Edward Masen."

"I knew it!" he exclaimed, bouncing a bit on his toes. I took a few steps back, feeling crowded by the frenzied energy that surrounded him. Realizing his overzealous nature was coming on a bit strong, he took a deep breath to calm himself. Standing up straight and tall, he ran his hands down the front of his shirt and pants as if he was trying to straighten any wrinkles. In a much calmer voice he apologized. "I'm sorry. I'm told I can come on a bit strong sometimes. I'm Mitchell by the way; I am part of the show tonight. Jasper mentioned that, as part of your job, you would help us with things if we needed it. Is that right?"

"Uh, yeah I guess…" I was going to ask him what he needed, but before I could, he ran off yelling be_ right back_ as he went. I sat and waited patiently until he returned. Less than five minutes later, Mitchell and his massive amounts of uncontained excitement bounced back in.

"Found it!" he cried in a singsong voice as he came bounding towards me. He handed me a piece of sheet music and I looked it over. The song was simple enough for me to play with no practice and it was a well-known tune. I really wondered why he would choose this as his piece to sing, but it wasn't my job to question, just to play, so I said I would. I let him know it would be no problem for me to play and he responded by giving me an excited bounce clap combo I had only seen done before by young girls. "Oh, and Jasper will show you where your costume is and where to get ready." Mitchell threw in before he practically prance/skipped away. _What the fuck? A costume? _ My brain screamed at me. Mitchell was already gone and nowhere to be seen. Shaking my head, I decided it would be best to find Jasper and take up the issue of the costume with him.

I located Jasper and he took me to a large area in the back that I hadn't realized existed until tonight. When we walked in to what was a large dressing area, what I saw nearly bowled me over. It was the last thing I expected. As I took in my surroundings, things began to click into place and, when I realized where my new job was, I nearly doubled over with laughter. I calmed down just long enough to notice the whole room had stilled and was curiously staring at me. Regaining my composure, I attempted to cover my outburst by telling Jasper that earlier in the day Emmett had told me a joke and I just now _got it_.

He seemed to buy my lame cover-up and smiled in return, mentioning, "Oh yeah, that Emmett can be one funny dude." I was led to a private dressing area by Jasper, all the while feeling like the biggest dumbass to ever grace the earth. Not only had I just had an outburst in front of a bunch of strangers making me look like the king of crazy, but I also only now realized, after stepping foot inside this place for the third time, that my job was not in just any bar, but apparently a high class drag queen bar. How had I not realized this before? It explained why all the "women" who came here had such a different look.

I was lost in thoughts of my own stupidity and mentally shaking my head at myself for how unobservant I had been, when a thought occurred to me that scared the shit right out of me. I had seen Bella here last night. Why would Bella be here? Unless she was a… no, I met her at the medical clinic and I was sure she was all women…wasn't I? I mean, it took me three visits to this place before I realized what it was. OH FUCK! Was I gay? Or is it just because Bella made a very beautiful and realistic looking woman? And if I am not gay and I am obsessed with her or him, what does that mean? What am I going to do?

I was feeling nauseous, the room was spinning and my stomach was churning. I saw Jasper move towards the north wall of the dressing room. I realized he had been speaking to me this entire time and I wasn't paying attention. I tried to focus in on what he was saying, but all I could catch was the word costume and him pointing towards an authentic looking, early 19th century woman's dress, complete with corset. A long, red wig sat on a stand on the table next to where the dress hung. The new revelation of what my costume was did not help the dizzying sickness I was already barely able to control.

Jasper flashed me a quizzical look, "You don't look so hot. Are you ok, Edward?"

"Umm…yeah, I'm fine." I stuttered out.

"Are you sure? Is it the costume? Are you not ok with wearing it? I mean, I just figured when I explained you would be helping out with some of the performers you knew that this would be involved considering the kind of place we run here."

Not wanting to look like more of an idiot, I swallowed my pride and took a deep breath. "Oh, it's not that. I was pretty sure this was going to be part of my job. I think I just had a bad chili cheese dog for lunch or something, you know? You never know if you can trust those vendors on the street or not for having the best food quality." I rambled.

"Oh, well there is a bathroom in there," he said and pointed to a door in the corner of the room. "Are you going to be ok to stay tonight?"

"Oh yeah, yeah I'll be fine. I am sure it's nothing."

"Well, ok then. If you need any help lacing up the corset or anything, Alice will be standing outside the room waiting to assist you. She is our costume director and manager for all our shows and performances; she can help you with anything you need." After I nodded my head in assent, Jasper left the room and I took a good look at my costume and tried to figure out how the hell to put on a corset and tights.

I struggled for about twenty minutes before there was a light knock at the door.

"Edward, is everything going ok in there?" I heard Alice's voice ask me from the other side of the closed dressing room door.

"Yeah," I shouted back. Then, looking down at the tangled mess of dress, corset, tights, and laces I had woven around me, I rethought my answer. "Actually, I could use some help." I admitted, none too happily.

"Ok, I'm coming in now. Is that ok?"

"Yeah it's fine." The door opened and in walked a short, dark haired man. "Who are you?" I shouted at the man rudely. "Where's Alice?" The small man just laughed at me.

"I am Alice. Well actually, they only call me Alice when I'm in drag. Out of drag I usually go by Alec."

I let this all settle in for a moment before responding to this newest revelation. "Ummm…Ok?"

Alec walked towards me and started untangling me from the mess I had put myself in. "Wow, you really did a number on yourself didn't you?"

Lightly chuckling, I sheepishly said, "Yeah I did." Being the professional and expert on all things costumes and corset, it was mere minutes before Alec had me extricated from my web of Edwardian era attire and fully dressed. I discovered how confining a corset was and I don't know how women ever wore them. I could barely move or breathe in the thing. No wonder women had felt so oppressed.

Alec instructed me to sit in the chair in front of a small desk and mirror. He attached the wig to my head and then applied makeup. I had not realized until now that makeup would be involved, but I bit my tongue and endured the process which, to be honest with you, was one of the strangest of my life. I decided then that I was going to start searching for another job, but keep this one until I found one. It wasn't my first or last preference of career, but it paid the bills for now, so I would make it work until I had another option. Alec instructed me to stand and began to gush over how wonderful he thought I looked. I just thought I looked like one ugly ass redhead with a 5 o'clock shadow. I didn't really care. It was one night and I could do it. It wouldn't be a big deal.

Alec informed me the show would begin in fifteen minutes and, once it did, my only responsibility was to play the sheet music on hand between acts. The only exception was Mitchell's act where I would be accompanying him in his song. Mitchell's act was not until the very end, so most of the time I was just to sit back and be "pretty". Alec's words, not mine.

Fifteen minutes later, I walked onstage and took my place at the piano. Arranging the sheet music in front of me, I positioned myself as comfortably as possible, which wasn't easy considering I was wearing this god awful corset and I began to play.

We were nearing the end, and my back was aching and I could barely breathe. The dress and corset were so confining. It was just about time for Mitchell to come onstage. Earlier in the night while waiting for the show to start, I overheard talk from the others about how Mitchell, or Michelle as he was called in drag, was the new rising star of the White Swallow. He was supposed to be highly talented and a crowd favorite. Jasper had him perform last to bring in and keep the crowd. Mitchell was also given the opportunity to set the entire theme of the evening around his choice of act for the night. It got the patrons revved up and anticipating what he was going to do this time.

A tall, leggy, auburn haired woman in a slinky silver evening gown took the stage. I realized this must be Mitchell, I mean Michelle. I took out the sheet music I had been given and began playing the intro to Celine Dion's _My Heart Will Go On_. Michelle sang it loudly and proudly and even I had to admit she was quite talented. Even though the song had been overplayed and overdone, her sultry voice combined with her raw and real delivery of the song gave it a new edge that made me not mind it so much. Before exiting the stage, Michelle gestured toward me and asked for a round of applause for the accompanist tonight. I nodded in the crowd's direction and loud applause filled the room before the stage went black.

I stood from the piano and made my way backstage, anxious to get this dress and makeup off of me. In my rush off the stage, I ran straight into Mitchell and Bella who were wrapped in an embrace. Stumbling, I grasped for the closest object to brace myself. Unfortunately, the closest object that my hand decided to go for was the skirt of Mitchell's dress. A sickening ripping sound filled the air as I flailed and, despite all my best attempts, I still ended up flat on my ass. Looking up from my disgraceful position on the floor, I was horrified. Mitchell's dress was torn so high up it barely covered his lower half.

Luckily for me he wasn't mad. At least I assumed he wasn't, since Bella and he stood there laughing hysterically at me and my blunder. Offering me her hand, Bella asked me, "Edward can I help you up?" I blushed and clasped her hand in mine as I brought myself to my feet. Once I was safely on my feet, she released her hand from mine then began to clap, loudly. At first I thought she was applauding my ability to right myself and not fall over again, but then I realized her real reason behind it. She had called me Edward. She definitely remembered me and somehow recognized me beneath this get-up. Her clapping was her way of teasing me about my visit to the clinic that day. My hands went straight to my face in pure embarrassment.

Removing my hands from my face, I looked at her and said, "You remember me?"

"Of course I remember you! How I could forget you? That day at work was epic. I mean, I am sorry to laugh at your misfortune at the time, but you have to admit it was pretty funny?"

"Yeah, fucking hilarious." I glared at her, flipping the hair of my wig behind my shoulder and stormed off.

"Edward!" She yelled after me, "Edward!"

She kept calling and I kept walking; stomping off to my dressing room. I quickly stripped off the offending garments, ripped off the wig, and stepped into the shower. While I washed the makeup off my face and cleaned the rest of me, I fumed. How could she think that was appropriate and how could I have found myself obsessed with such a bitch? I scrubbed my body roughly with the soap as if it could wash away the anger and embarrassment I felt. Finally turning off the shower before I scrubbed my skin raw, I stepped out only to realize I had left all my clothes in the other room. Covering myself with the only thing available, a small hand towel, I walked into the room and was taken aback by the sight of Bella sitting on the couch waiting for me.

"What are you doing here?" I shot at her. She opened and closed her mouth several times before she shut it completely closed her eyes for a second and then stood up.

"Uh…um…ah…um… I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't realize you, um… yeah." She said motioning with her hands the length of my body.

"Well you're lucky you caught me wearing this much!" I tersely exclaimed while clutching the small towel tightly to my front, trying to cover my junk.

"I'm sorry. I'll leave, I just wanted to apologize for my behavior - that wasn't very nice of me. I don't do things like that; I don't know why I did. It was mean and uncalled for. For some reason when I am around you all sense of tact seems to leave me. "

"You're right. It wasn't very nice, but if I was honest with myself, I have to admit that, if the tables were turned, I would be having a good ol' laugh at myself." We stood there awkwardly for a moment. She had said her peace and I didn't know why she didn't just leave. I was standing here in only a towel, for fucks sakes! You would think she would want to haul ass out of here now that she has cleared her conscience. But she just stood there, acting like she had more she wanted to say. I just eyed her cautiously and waited for her to speak or leave. She took a deep breath, then finally spoke.

"So how is everything with the, you know?" she asked, while motioning to the area that was currently only covered by a small piece of terry cloth.

"It's all cleared up by now. And you will be happy to know that I know for a fact I am still clean because I haven't been able to bring myself to have sex again!"

Her face was suddenly filled with concern. "What? Are you serious?" I nodded. "Is that why…um…er….why you work here now? Have you decided to change teams 'cause you know it doesn't matter, you can get it either way."

I let out a dark chuckle and rolled my eyes. "Of course I know that, I'm not an idiot. And I'm not gay, I'm just desperate for work. Speaking of which, I don't mean to sound homophobic or anything, but I am not entirely comfortable you standing here in my dressing room while I am pretty much naked."

Bella's brow furrowed making a small v form in the skin between her eyes "Why would that make you homophobic?" she questioned me.

"Well you know because…you know, you're… well ,you."

"What? You have me seriously confused."

"I know what you are. Ok, I mean it's pretty obvious, now isn't it?"

"What I am? What is it that you think I am?"

"You're going to make me say it, aren't you? You're…You're…a…" I then mouthed the words like it was a secret.

She looked at me like I was nuts which, at this point in time, I wouldn't argue with. "Say it….out loud."

I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging on the ends in frustration, and blurted out, "A drag queen, alright? I know you are a drag queen!" Her jaw popped open and nearly hit the floor. She looked at me in shock and then began to laugh hysterically, bent over and gasping for air as she laughed. Then, as quickly as it started, the laughter silenced. Bella stilled, stood up straight, and looked me straight in the eyes. My stare was met with one full of fury. Her jaw tightened and her lips pressed tightly together as she continued to stare at me with a look full of fire and ice. Time seemed to slow and it felt like our stare down lasted an eternity when it was probably only a few seconds. A tirade then began to spill from her lips, making my balls want to crawl up inside myself.

"You think I am a drag queen? Do I look like a drag queen to you? Well do I?" she screamed. "Seriously, Edward, answer me! I need to know - do I look like a drag queen to you? Have you thought that since you saw me in the clinic, because I can't believe I ever… ugh and that I have been… over a perverted manwhore who obviously thinks my looks take after a fuckin' drag queen!"

I stood there still and speechless, unable to move or speak. She glared at me for a moment more before stomping her foot, picking her purse up off the floor, and starting for the door.

Seeing her walk away struck something in my survival instincts and, forgetting that the small piece of cloth I held in front of me was the only thing keeping my from being butt naked, I mindlessly dropped the towel and yelled "Bella wait!" She stilled and didn't walk any further but kept her back to me. I walked up behind her and gently cupped my hands on her shoulders. "Bella, I don't think you look like a drag queen at all." I told her softly as if I was speaking to a terrified animal that may react violently at any misstep. "I am just a dumbass. A very confused dumbass." I moved closer to her so her back was now lightly skimming my chest and said softly near her ear, "The day I saw you in the clinic, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. You literally took my breath away. Ever since that day I have been able to think of nothing but you. Why do you think the real reason is that I haven't been with anyone in over two months? It's because every woman I see now gets compared to you. None of them are as pretty as you, or as kind as you; none of them are you. I haven't been with anybody else because I don't want anybody else. I only want you."

Small goosebumps ran up and down her arms and she shivered lightly. "How can you know that? You don't know me."

"I know, but I want to get to know every little detail about you; the big things and especially the little things that make you who you are. I don't know why I feel this pull to you, I just do and I can't deny it anymore. Don't you feel it too? Didn't you feel it that first day?"

Slowly, she turned her body to face mine, looked me in the eyes and softly told me "Yes, I feel it too. I felt it the first day, I feel it now. You have been on my mind, too, and I have been unable to rid it of thoughts of you."

My face lit up and I smiled at her. "Really?" I asked.

"Really." was her answer.

I could no longer resist and pulled her closer, wrapping my arms around her waist and crashing my lips into hers. I sucked on her lower lip then slipped my tongue into her hot, warm mouth which tasted of strawberries and vodka. Her tongue tangled with mine; the kiss was slow and erotic; full of pent up passion and want. I grabbed her waist and moved her body flush with mine. I could feel myself hardening more with each second, becoming harder than I had ever been. Her fingers had been twisted in my hair, but she began moving her hands slowly and softly down my neck, then my shoulders, then my lower back. When her hands and their seductive exploration of my body reached my ass, patting me in a few spots as if she was searching for something, suddenly she froze. Releasing herself from my embrace, she took a few steps back. "OH MY GOSH EDWARD! YOU'RE NAKED!" she screeched before falling into a fit of laughter. Gasping for air as she laughed she sputtered out, "I forgot you were only wearing that towel… Where's the towel now?" I hadn't fully realized that I had been standing there in the nude either. The thought that I was naked for our first kiss and neither of us realized it until halfway through was pretty hilarious, if you thought about it, and I also began shaking in laughter. Finally, we regained control of ourselves and I grabbed my clothes and quickly put them on.

After I was dressed, I took Bella's hand in mine and said, "Let's go get some coffee. I know a great place and you can tell me all those big and little details about you that I am dying to know." Smiling widely, she acquiesced with a slight nod and a yes. I kissed her on the cheek and we walked out of the dressing room together.

* * *

**Hey ya still with me after that insanity?**

**PLEASE READ BELOW!**

**This was originally meant as a O/S but it was too long so I split it in two. But then because STDward is a wordy bitch I wasn't able to get far enough to realistically get to any actual lemons, I know sadz. So here's the deal I decided I will continue this a bit longer one maybe two more chaps depending on how chatty STDward gets. If you guys want me to, so do ya?**

**Let me know!**


	3. Chapter 3

***does super happy dance while laughing like a crazy maniac* I GOT IN I GOT IN! I have been trying to update for days and finally I am able to! TAKE THAT FFN!**

***tries to somewhat compose self* Sorry you had to see that I am just really really really really excited I can update now!**

**_Things SM owns, a house, a car, actual non photoshopped pics of her & Rob together, Twilight & a bajillionity dollars_**

**_Things I don't own a house, a car, actual non photshopped pics of me & Rob together(do you even have to ask about photoshopped ones though?),Twilight & a bajillionity dollars. _**

**_Well would you look at that, the lucky bish owns everything I dont! Meh I gave Edward dick rot and made him dress in drag so I'm good! *grins*_**

**So would ya lookie here I wrote some more and no this is not the end yet. Like I said the formerly infested STDward is a wordy bitch. This is what some may call a transition chapter. We have to get from point A to pont B somehow and this is how we do it. **

**I had this about ready to send off to beta a week ago but had an unexpected situation arise that took precedence. It's here now so were good right?**

** Much thanks to Team dick rot makes me hot, you give me the guidance and encouragement I need to keep this little ditty going I super sparkly heart ya! **

**TeamSTFU there is sumpin' special in here just for you, I am pretty sure you will know what it is! **

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Huh, well this night has definitely taken an unexpected turn, I thought as I strode down the sidewalk hand in hand with Bella while searching out a coffee shop. If anyone had told me before I went to work tonight that I would end up walking out of the bar with the object of my obsession by my side after she saw me in drag; after I, in return, accused her of being a drag queen herself; that I would kiss her while butt naked - a kiss that was definitely the hottest kiss I had ever experienced - I would have told them they were fucking insane.

Despite all that and more, here I am warming her delicate fingers between mine, squeezing gently ever so often for fear that this is all just a dream. We walked for about a block before we came upon a small coffee shop. Holding the door open, I motioned for Bella to enter and walked in behind her letting my hand lightly graze the small of her back. The crowd inside the shop was relatively small; a curly haired blonde sat up at the front on a low stool strumming a guitar and singing a light tune. Her voice was forced and a bit nasal and I hoped that her set would be over soon. It's not that she was bad, she just wasn't all that great.

I ordered our coffees and Bella teased me that there was more cream and sugar in mine than actual coffee. I just smiled and laughed because she was right. I liked coffee fine, but only after it had been given a healthy dose of the white stuff, otherwise I just could not stand its bitterness. We found a secluded table in the corner towards the back where we could talk easily and be free of interruptions and noise. We talked for hours, always touching in one way or another. The hum and pull that was there before was only stronger now.

I learned so much about Bella that night and was not surprised to find out she was even more wonderful than I had imagined. I learned about how she grew up with a scatterbrained mother in Phoenix, Arizona. She decided to move to the tiny town of Forks, Washington her junior year of high school and live with her dad - her parents had been divorced from when she was small. Her decision to become a nurse was based on her love of helping others. She moved out this direction when she went to school and, after graduation, found the job with Dr. Cullen at the student clinic. The Cullens were like a second family to her.

I also learned that Rose was Dr. Cullen's daughter. I had no idea and was shocked to find this out. Then after asking her in a tone of unwarranted jealousy, I found out that Mitchell is her best friend. She met him about a year ago when she was helping Dr. Cullen's wife Esme with some things in designing Jasper's bar. When she talked about him, her face lit up I could only hope that someday I would also have that effect on her.

I told her about my family; my father, Edward Sr., was a carpenter by trade and my mother was a teacher. They had always been very supportive of my dream to be a musician. I shared that I grew up not too far from the school and saw my parents often. I explained how I met Emmett and became friends with him.

We had been sitting at our table, deeply engrossed in the conversation with each other, when I felt long fingernails skim my scalp and run through my hair, followed by being jabbed in the shoulder with a boney hip. The look on Bella's face said she found the situation quite amusing. Turning my head upwards, I looked into the blue eyes of the girl who had been onstage playing guitar when we entered. She batted her eyes at me in a way that I think was meant to be seductive, but to me it just looked like maybe she had something caught in them. "Umm…hi?" I said, phrasing it as a question and stared back at her with a look that said, well what do you want?

Removing her hands from my hair and placing them on her hips, she stepped back and huffed, "You don't remember me do you?" Of course my previous transgressions would decide to come bite me in the ass the moment I got to be with Bella.

Stammering for an answer, I replied, "I…umm…yeah…uh of course I remember you." my inflection rising making it obvious I was lying out of my ass. She was getting more pissed by the minute, and I could tell this girl was not completely sane and I needed to tread gently.

"Then what's my name, huh?" she asked in an accusatory voice. Bella, who had been watching the conversation the crazy blonde and I were having and despite the great enjoyment she seemed to be getting out of the whole situation, stepped in to rescue my sorry excuse for a man self.

"Jessica, can you see that we are in the middle of something right now? Maybe you could harass Edward another day."

"Oh, I see how it is. You want him all to yourself, huh? Well, not gonna happen missy! Once a manwhore, always a manwhore! He will fuck you and chuck you just like he did me and my BFF! TAAANNNYYYAAA!" she screeched. No, no, not Tanya. I don't think I could handle being in that disease breeder's presence without puking. Before I could say anything or move, Tanya was standing next to Jessica. I had just had the realization that she was Jessi, the same girl I let go down on me not an hour before I went out with Tanya to her car. Fuck my life, this couldn't end well.

"Well, hello there, Edward," Tanya purred, while reaching out to let her long red nails skim my arm. I jumped back at the threat of her touch, scooting my chair back as far as possible into the corner. Even though I knew it was irrational, I was afraid I would catch an STD all over again just from her breathing on me. Tanya then noticed that Bella was also at the table. "Well, well, well, what do we have here? You surprise me, Nurse Swan. I didn't take you to be the type to get involved with someone like him."

Bella just rolled her eyes. "Tanya, what I do is none of your business. Edward and I were just leaving, so if you will kindly let Edward out of the human skank prison you two have caged him in, it would be appreciated. Bella stood, "Edward let's go." I rose timidly, waiting for the two bitches in front of me to move. Bella glared at them with a look that simultaneously scared the hell out of me and made me hard. She may be sweet, but she was tough.

With a roll of the eyes and a shake of the head, acting as if the look had no effect on her but obviously it did, Tanya huffed out, "Fine, whatever." as she and Jessi stepped back to let me out. Once I was no longer imprisoned by the ho guard, Bella grabbed my hand and pulled me along with her. We ran out the door of the coffee shop and down the street.

Slowing after a few minutes she laughed, "Oh that was hilarious."

I glared at her and a shiver of disgust ran through my limbs from the encounter. "Well maybe to you, but I feel like I need a silkwood shower after being in Tanya's presence again." That just made Bella crack up even more. "Seriously, Bella, I think I need to find someplace I can at least wash my hands after being in her presence."

Looking up at me sweetly and with a look of determination, she said, "Hold real still. I just want to try one thing." Slowly stepping closer to me, she placed her lips ever so gently on mine, brought her hands to the waistband of my pants, twisted her fingers in my belt loops, and pulled my body up against hers and deepened the kiss. Her hands moved to my back pockets, and she kneaded my ass with passion. It took me a few moments to realize she was kissing me, but once I did, I didn't hesitate bringing my arms around her. I ran my hands up and down the sides of her chest, wanting to feel her breasts so badly, but resisting; not wanting to take things too fast. Also, after having gone so long without sex, I was afraid that one touch of her breasts and I would throw her down and take her right here in the middle of sidewalk. Kissing Bella once again exceeded my wildest expectations. The kiss was beyond good and I was glad I had clothes on for this one, especially since were out in public.

Pausing her lips from the kiss, she let out a blissful hum before kissing me once on the cheek. She slid her arm around my waist and whispered softly in my ear, "Feel better now, Edward?" I felt a tremble and spattering of goosebumps flow from my toes to my arms as she spoke.

Putting my arm around her, pulling her as close to me as was possible and still walk, I said with what I am sure was a goofy grin, "Infinitely." Really I was, she really did kiss and make it better. I just couldn't wait until she kissed some other aching parts of me that I know could desperately be made to feel much better by the mere touch of her lips on them. We neared the bar, and she pointed in the direction of her car. She insisted she was fine to walk the rest of the distance herself, but I really didn't want her walking out here in the dark, alone, at two in the morning. I was also trying to get every possible minute I could with her until we separated for the night. I was falling hard and fast, and it simultaneously scared the shit out of me and excited me.

Before college, this is more of what I imagined for myself. Finding a nice girl like Bella and getting into a nice, steady relationship. But then I met Emmett and he taught me the power of the pussy. I kind of forgot who I really was in favor of dipping my dick in anything wet just to get myself off. I walked her right up to the driver side door and then realized I had never officially asked if she wanted to see me again. Hell, I didn't even have her phone number. I was pretty sure after everything tonight she would, but I didn't want to assume. Assuming has gotten me into a lot of trouble recently, and I didn't want it to get me into to trouble with Bella.

She stood with her back against the car window and I leaned in saying, "Bella, I would really like to see you again, would that be ok?" I don't know why I was so nervous to hear her answer; I felt it was pretty obvious what it would be. That small chance she would say no and run screaming now nagged at me, sending worry throughout me. Bella brought her arms around my waist, bringing my body flush with hers and immediately quelling any fears I had held about what her answer would be.

"I would like nothing more than to see you again Edward."

Relieved, I looked her in the eyes and caressed her cheek with my thumb. Not thinking, just letting my heart control my mouth for once instead of my dick. I wanted her to know what I thought of her before we parted. "Bella, you are so beautiful. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?"

Rolling her eyes in return, she said, "I already said I would love to see you again; no need to butter me up."

"I'm not trying to butter you up. It's the truth. The first time I saw you in the clinic I thought you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and, now that I have gotten to know you a little, I think you are even more beautiful than I did previously. Bella, believe me, you are a fucking goddess; a siren that has been calling my name for months!" Blushing a deep pink, she looked down towards the pavement. Using my forefingers, I gently lifted her chin until she was looking at me again. "Bella, please don't be embarrassed around me. If anyone holds the embarrassment rights, I certainly think it is me." She giggled slightly and I brought my lips down to hers, sucking on her bottom one a little before running my tongue along her teeth. She sighed and became impatient and thrust her tongue into my mouth. She swirled it around as if my mouth was part of an erotic taste test and she wanted to savor all of it. I repaid the favor and, for the love of all that is holy, she tasted good. Her fingers clutched the back of my shirt tightly, crushing my body into hers as I held her head with my hand, running my fingers through her dark, silky locks. Her hips began to thrust minutely towards mine and, heaven knows, I wanted to rub myself up against her. I knew I needed to take this slow. I didn't know what her expectations were. But Bella was different and I was going to treat her differently than other girls, which meant not fucking her tonight. Also, I was pretty sure I could trust her, but I still wanted her to be tested before we went any further. Yeah, I know I am paranoid and I wasn't looking forward to having that conversation with her, but I felt it was important. Breaking the kiss before I mauled her and broke my resolve, I pulled back and said, "Goodnight, Bella."

"Goodnight, Edward." Standing there, I gazed at her and couldn't imagine after all my shitty luck and behavior that I was lucky enough to get to spend time with her. "Edward?"

"Hmmm….yes." I said, lost in my thoughts of her.

"Uh, Edward, you have to move so I can get in my car." I hadn't realized I was still pinning her back to the car with my body.

Taking a few steps backwards, I apologized. "Oh, right. Sorry." I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, "I'll call you, ok?" My mouth hurt from the giant smile it held. I then turned around and headed towards my car. Her voice calling my name stopped me.

"Uh, Edward?"

I turned around, hands in my pockets, "Yeah, Bella?"

"If you are going to call me, you might need my phone number."

I dropped my head; I was such a dumbass. Looking back up at her, I timidly replied, "Yeah, that might be helpful, huh?"

"Maybe just a little. C'mere, hand me your phone." I did as she asked and she entered her phone number in it. "There you go, you better call me."

I smirked, "Oh trust me, Bella. I will." She smiled and nodded and got into her car. I turned and headed towards mine, trying not to break out into a girly skip along the way.

==============================O ~ Swordfight ~O============================

Bella and I had been together unofficially for a few weeks now. I wasn't really sure what we were, and I was afraid to ask. I don't know which answer I was afraid of more; if we were more or if we weren't. We had pretty much spent all our free time together and, although I had spent a couple nights at her apartment and she at mine, we hadn't gone any further than a little bit of over the clothes groping. My balls were so blue I thought they were going to fall off. I hadn't given myself so much self-love since I was 15. I was really going to need to cut down on my showers; my water bill was through the roof. I was feeling the need to buy a Costco sized bottle of lotion even though that probably wouldn't last me very long. I also had still not approached her, telling her I would like her to be tested. I knew it had to happen soon, but I was so afraid of her reaction, I kept rationalizing reasons to put it off.

=============================O ~ Swordfight ~ O===========================

Patting my pockets to make sure I had my keys and phone, I turned out the lights and left my apartment. I had plans to meet Bella at the White Swallow tonight. A famous, much sought after drag queen duo were set to perform at the bar tonight and Mitchell was lucky enough to be one of the few local queens to be invited to join them for part of the show. He was head over heels excited about it. We, of course, were going to see Mitchell have his bit. He had called Bella a few hours previous, completely freaking out he was so nervous. She rushed over to help calm him and said she was going to stay and help him get ready for the show and that she would meet me there.

Arriving at the bar, I had to circle the block three times before I found a parking spot. I had never seen the place so packed. I found a spot on pure luck that was only half a block away and made my way to the bar. Once entering, it was a sea of bodies. I made my way through them the best I could. While attempting to do so, I ran into Jasper.

"Hey man, it's crazy in here tonight."

"It's insane, but if you think it's crazy out here you should see the dressing rooms and backstage - complete and utter madness."

"I bet," I said with a nod.

"Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Bella asked me to reserve some seats so you could have a good view of the show. I saved you guys a couple front and center, she said she would meet you there."

"Thanks, that was real nice of you."

Patting me gently on the back, he said, "Of course, Edward." A sudden cacophony of shattering glass hitting the ground swept through the building loud enough to be heard over the crowd. Jasper winced at the noise and shouted, "Fuck!" Instantly he ran off to take care of whatever mishap had just taken place. I hoped for Jaspers' sake it was only a minor incident. I pushed my way through the swarms of people and head towards where Jasper had indicated our seats were located. I reached them only to find them both empty and no sign of Bella's presence yet. I figured she must just be sticking with Mitchell for moral support until right before the show started. I filled my time while waiting for Bella by making conversation with a lady sitting next to me, who was trembling with anticipation. The woman didn't appear to be a drag queen, but I didn't want to assume either way. My track history on being correct on such guesses wasn't the greatest. Luckily, the conversation topics were kept innocuous enough I didn't have to worry about acquiring foot in mouth disease.

Ten minutes later, the lights flickered three times then dimmed and Jasper's voice was heard over the loud speakers. "It's the moment we have all been anxiously awaiting. _The White_ _Swallow_ is proud to have with us tonight, the Spectacular Sue Thundercock and the tantalizing Niki Nipples!"

The crowd roared as the spotlight swiveled and lit up the richly decorated stage. It looked as if it came straight out of the movie _Moulin Rouge_. The deep red velvet curtains pulled back slightly, and the two most extraordinary drag queens I had ever seen sauntered out. If I hadn't already known better, I would have never guessed they weren't really women. Yeah, laugh it up. I know that doesn't mean much coming from me, but you get my point.

The one on the right was Sue and had long golden blonde hair, light rouge slightly coloring her cheeks and lips, and a body to die for. I don't know how she could be a man with curves like that. On the right was Niki and she was just as gorgeous, with long brown locks twisted and piled on top of her head, but still allowing the hair in back to lay straight, long, and flowing down her back. They both wore form fitting bustiers made out of silk that, when caught in the light, gave off a slight sparkle. Sue was in light turquoise and Niki was in pale yellow. The short black hot pants and heels did awesome things to their legs, and I caught myself staring and having to remind myself not to get a boner over them - I knew Bella would find that just hilarious. Speaking of Bella, I wonder why she hasn't shown yet. She is going to be really disappointed if she misses this.

Sue & Niki glanced at each other with a wink and a slow, seductive beat began to play, filling the room. Their hips gyrated and swayed to the beat as the intro played. Occasionally, they would slide against each other's backsides with a slow captivating ease. On the down beat before they began singing, they bumped hips and walked in opposite directions, swinging their hips gracefully as they went. The stage slowly began to fill with other drag queens all wearing corsets with short, ruffled bottoms. One queen located dead center wore a mask - the type you would see at a masquerade ball. I recognized a few of the queens that had come onstage, like Alice and Michelle, but the rest I was unfamiliar with.

The other queens remained in the background, moving their bodies with the slow beat. Partway thru the song, Niki and Sue each grabbed a hand of the masked blonde standing in the middle of the group. They brought her forward with them, where they continued to sing while they bumped and ground against the mystery woman. The masked queen stood with her head down, as if trying to ignore their bodies' gratuitous rubbing against hers. The drag duo were beginning to get pretty down and dirty with their dance moves, when the masked queen's head shot up. Shoving them both to the side, she stood straight and tall with her legs apart, looking defiant and strong.

The blonde beauty began swiveling her hips in a seductive move. She shimmied and bent at the knees until she almost reached the floor before moving back up, turning around, and shaking her backside towards the audience. There was something ethereal and enticing about this queen. She was sexy and mysterious, and I felt myself hardening. What the hell? I am not getting turned on by a drag queen! Struggling with my own inner turmoil and confusion, I hadn't noticed the masked beauty had left the stage and was sauntering right up to me. Before I could even think to react, she was running her fingers through my hair and up and down the sides of my arms before she began to give me a lap dance. I was panicked and totally uncomfortable. The room was filled with whistles and calls; others in the audience wishing they were in my position right now and, honestly, I really wished it was them too. I couldn't stop the reaction my body was having to her and I didn't want her to feel it. It wouldn't help with my already extreme confusion. I tried thinking of dead puppies and even Tanya and her creepy crawler infestations, but nothing helped the situation in my pants. Who was this siren and where was Bella to rescue me? What was I thinking? Bella wouldn't rescue me; she would be sitting next to me laughing her ass off in a hysterical fit of giggles if she was here.

The seductress rocked herself into my erection and purred, "Oh baby, is that for me?"

Sitting there shocked for a moment, I then realized who that voice belonged to. "Bella?" I questioned, really hoping it was her.

"Yes, Edward." she breathed as she bent over while straddling my lap and licking up my neck.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I exclaimed, "Oh thank the flying spaghetti monster, I thought you were a drag queen!"

"That seems to be a recurring problem of yours." Winking at me, she removed herself from my lap and returned to the stage while I watched in a lust filled haze as the performance continued on.

Bella ended up joining me in the audience after intermission. She made sure to arrive at the last minute, right when the lights went back down, giving me no chance to interrogate her about the little stunt she pulled on me tonight without being completely rude to the performers and audience. I was forced to bite my tongue and wait until the show was over.

The rest of the show was quite entertaining. There was a rendition of Katy Perry's "Peacock" where the queens wore full on peacock-like costumes that would make any Las Vegas showgirl jealous. At one point, I swear one of the peacocks feathers looked more like colorful dicks than feathers.

Their performance of Lady's Gaga "Love Game" had choreography which gave me some pretty disturbing images of them taking a ride on a disco stick. They also performed some more classic numbers like The Weather Girls "It's Raining Men" along with Jackie De Shannon's "What the World Needs Now" which I admit I may have inappropriately snickered through. I blame Twitter. If they hadn't recently had "Change love to lube songs Tuesday" then I wouldn't be thinking about drag queens singing, "What the world needs now; is lube, sweet lube" and the irony in that statement, I may not have snickered as much, resulting in Bella pinching me trying to get me to shut up.

When the show neared its end, Niki, Sue and the rest of the cast took their final bows. The crowd went insane, cheering and begging for more. I hadn't seen so much desire for an Encore since I saw Paul McCartney in concert last summer.

We waited for the crowd to clear as Mitchell changed, so we could congratulate him on a job well done. As we waited, I used the opportunity to approach Bella about her little stunt she played on me earlier in the night.

Gently pushing her shoulder, I said, "Hey, that wasn't very nice, you know!"

Acting as if she was innocent, "What wasn't very nice?"

"You know exactly what I am talking about. I was freaking out thinking I was getting hard over a fucking drag queen, and you had me questioning my sexuality again."

She just laughed loudly. "Oh, Edward. You are definitely straight, you just have good taste in women. Well, at least you do now. Before, your taste was quite questionable."

"Yeah, yeah yeah, I know, Edward's a slut. I'm trying to be a better man for you, Bella."

"As sweet as I find that, Edward, I sometimes would prefer you be a little less gentlemanly around me." Before she could continue, Mitchell showed up and Bella became distracted by jumping and squealing with him and telling him what an amazing job he did. He said he had some big news and wanted us to come over to the bar and meet some people.

The crowd had thinned out significantly, and I could see straight from where I stood to the bar. Two nicely dressed men in jeans and polo shirts, with their collars popped, sat on stools drinking martinis. We walked over and approached them and Mitchell introduced us to Felix and Stefan or, as we would know them, Sue and Niki. It was a bit mind boggling to see them out of drag; they looked nothing the same. We shook hands and made pleasantries. Mitchell was bouncing excitedly, his energy increasing every moment before he blurted out, interrupting the conversation. "Felix, Stefan I can't hold it in anymore. Can I tell them now?" They laughed and told him to go ahead. Taking a deep breath before he spoke he said, "Felix and Stefan have offered for me to join them during their tour."

Slapping him harder than she intended Bella, shouted, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Mitchell just beamed back at her, nodding his head vigorously. Bella hit him one more time and again shouted, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Mitchell's energy, which I thought could not possibly increase, did so tenfold, and he screeched in return, "I WILL NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP, its true!"

Lauren chose to saunter by at the moment, and glared, muttering under her breath, "Why don't you all just shuck the fuck up and get the hell out of here." She obviously had a chip on her shoulder for some reason. Mitchell just rolled his eyes and told us to ignore her; she's just bitter. Bella glared at Lauren in return, then dismissed her and focused back on her joy for Mitchell and threw her arms around him. They both squealed and bounced like school girls who were OD'ing on Red Bull. When Bella pulled back from him, there were tears in her eyes, and it immediately worried me.

Reaching over I asked, "Bella, babe, are you ok?" She sniffled and swatted my hand away gently while wiping her tears.

"I'm just fine. I am just so happy for Mitchell; this is his dream." Then the waterworks began to flow again freely. Mitchell started crying and held Bella as her tears flowed. I looked over at Felix and Stefan and they were wiping tears from their eyes too. They stood up and joined Bella and Mitchell's hug. It's a good thing these guys were all gay, otherwise I might feel the need to go Chuck Norris on their asses since my girl was sandwiched between three other men.

Jasper and Alec appeared and asked what was going on. Once informed, they also became teary eyed and joined the massive hug that was already in progress. I felt really dumb just standing awkwardly on the outskirts of their little love-fest, waiting patiently for it to be over, twiddling my thumbs. A few minutes later, they all parted and Bella smiled at me with her red rimmed eyes. Sniffling once again, she stood on her tiptoes to kiss Mitchell on the cheek. "Oh, Mitchy baby, I am going to miss you so much while you are gone."

"I know, Bella-Bomb. I'm going to miss you too, but you got Edward now and he will take good care of you, won't you?" he said, glaring in my direction with a look that said fuck up and I will kill you.

"Oh Mitch, Edward always takes very good care of me and is always a perfect gentleman….always, unfortunately." The last part was said mumbled under her breath, but I still caught it and I didn't get what she meant by it. Why would she be upset with me for respecting her and not rushing into things? Women could be so confusing sometimes.

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** You know you have true friends when they feel honored and squee when they find out you have turned them into drag queens. That right there is a sign a friendship is for real! *giggles* **

**Thank you all so much for continuing to read this little piece of craziness, I love you for it!**

**Reviews are better than OD'ing on Red Bull**


	4. Chapter 4

**I regret to inform you all that I still do not own anything Twilight. I do however have a Kickass Twitter avi of Rob wearing the Beastie boys shirt made by TeamSTFU! She added some awesomeness to it so it now says Creepy Crawly Cock Creatures Get Off My Dick, totally epic! If you want to see for yourself link is on my profile. **

**SueBee she's my beta she makes my shit purty and readable and not to mention she is just pretty sparkling peen spectacular as a person too! **

**Mucho thankso to Spooney for giving me the awesome idea for Edwards little "performance" her genius knows no bounds.**

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**~。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。~**

_I'm a sucker for a pretty face_

_And you're as pretty as they come__  
__So what if the conversation__  
__Leaves me absolutely numb?_

_Oh you're so enchanting__  
__When your mouth is closed__  
__And with a mouth like that__  
__Who needs politics and prose_

_Now I'm staring into those vacant eyes__  
__Trying to figure out if you've__  
__Understood a single word that I've said__  
__Is there anything going on in that pretty little head?__  
__Cause if you're just drop dead gorgeous__  
__You should just drop dead__  
_

~Drop Dead Gorgeous by April Smith & the Great Picture Show~

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Gonorrhea Always Ends With a HEA

Chapter 4

I am an exceptionally unobservant dumbass, at least according to my girlfriend or whatever the hell she is or, should I say, was to me - we never really put a label on our relationship. Why did I have to go and fuck up the best thing that ever happened to me? Oh yeah, that's right, because as previously stated, I am a fucking dumbass!

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I willed myself to calm down. A bruised nose and ten deep breaths later I was still pissed as hell. Honestly I don't know who I was pissed at more, me or her. Angrily, I kicked the unlucky object that was nearest to me, which just happened to be my bookshelf. The toe of my shoe forcefully made contact with the bookshelf's lower half, causing the cheap piece of shit to tremble and the shelving to buckle under the abuse my foot had given it. The entire bookcase plummeted forward, sending a downpour of books, papers and knick knacks onto my body. The shoddy cardboard backing tore as my head ripped through it and broke the bookcase's fall. I lay on my living room floor, covered in broken pieces of fiberboard and mangled books, my heart and body sore and crushed by my own stupidity.

Motionless and stunned by all that had just happened within the last five minutes, the thought ran through my mind that maybe I should have gotten a degree where I could specialize in idiocy; it really seemed to be a talent of mine lately. A loud knock coming from my front door reverberated around my apartment. The sound was a telltale staccato beat with the three knocks, two knocks, three knock pattern. I only knew one person to knock that way, so I was sure it must be Emmett. I yelled for him to come in, since I obviously was kind of stuck where I was at the moment. Opening the door and stepping through the doorway, his jaw dropped at the sight of me. His loud deep laughter filled the room and he asked me "Duuude what the hell happened? Why are you wearing your bookcase?"

"Haha, Emmett," I replied in a snarky monotone voice. "Just help me out of here."

Removing the remnants of the bookcase that held me pinned to the ground, Emmett then offered me his hand to help me up. "Remind me to never buy a cheap ass bookcase from Wally-world again." Emmett snickered as we walked over to my couch and sat down.

"So are you going to tell me why I walked in here to find you butt over bookcase?"

Glaring at him, my fingers reached for the ends of my hair, tearing on the locks in frustration. "BECAUSE I AM A DUMBASS, EMMETT, THAT'S WHY!" I shot at him

"Well that's old news, buddy, everybody knows that." I rolled my eyes at him; he could be such a jerk sometimes.

Taking a deep breath, I said, "Bella broke up with me." The mocking look he had been wearing immediately morphed into a look of concern.

"What? Bella broke up with you? Why?" He seemed as dumbfounded as I felt.

"I think she finally just had a problem with all the girls I had been with in my past. I knew she would realize I was not good enough for her one day, and she's right, so how can I fight that?"

"But wait, Eddie boy. It's not like this is news to her, she knew all along. Why would she suddenly change her mind now?"

"I don't know - she finally came to her senses?" Letting out a large deep breath, I cupped my face in my hands.

"What exactly did she say?"

Slowly, I removed my hands from my face and responded, "I don't know, I can't remember her exact wording, but something about practically every other girl on campus has had a taste of me but she's too good for that."

Laughing boisterously, Emmett asked me, "Oh dude please tell me you sealed the deal with her a long time ago? I mean, you guys have been going out for like over a month now." My sheepish expression was the only answer he needed. Shaking his head, then patting me roughly on the back, "Oh Eddie, Eddie,Eddie, don't you see what the problem is here? It's not that she's suddenly had her eyes opened and had a change of heart. She feels like you don't find her attractive and don't want her."

I looked up at Emmett, shocked. "Why would she think that? I want her so bad! It's extremely obvious, every time she is anywhere near me, my dick goes on full salute. I can't be in the same room with her and not touch her and I always tell her how beautiful I think she is. I don't get it?"

"Ever heard the term, actions speak louder than words? Well, Bella feels lacking because you would fuck any other girl at the drop of a hat, but over a month later you a still won't have sex with her."

"I'm just trying to respect her and let her know she's special."

"I know, but are you going to try to make her feel special forever, dude?"

"Of course not!"

"Well then, man up and fuck your girl's brains out!"

"Well she's not my girl and…"

One of Emmett's eyebrows quirked up, "And…what else are you not telling me bro?"

My knee began involuntarily bouncing out of nerves and irritation. I sighed loudly then responded, "I don't feel comfortable sleeping with her until she has been tested and I know she is clean."

Emmett threw his big meaty palms down onto his thighs, slapping them loudly. "Oh man, you are in deep hypocritical shit! So let me guess, you told her this and that's why she broke up with you?"

I slumped in my seat, my eyes inspecting a loose thread on the hem of my t-shirt. "No, actually I haven't told her yet. I can't seem to get the balls to do it."

Closing his eyes, Emmett shook his head slightly and groaned, "Oh boy, well you want her back, right?"

"Of course I do, Emmett! I think…maybe…I don't know…know I do know…"

"Spit it out Edward."

"I love her ok! I am in love with her!"

"Holy shit man! Whoa." Emmett sat stunned and contemplative for a few moments, gently tapping his chin. All of a sudden, his eyes lit up and a big smile overtook his face. Waves of giddiness rolled off his body and he looked as if someone just gave him a lifetime supply of Slim Jims. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Ok, I have an idea that just may work."

** 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。**

I really hope for the love of all that is holy that Emmett's idea works. I have my doubts, but I also have no idea what else to do, plus Emmett had always been my mentor of sorts and he had never lead me wrong, right? _Yeah him teaching you how to whore it up turned out real good for ya, didn't it?_ My inner voice snarked. I told my inner voice to shut the hell up, and planned to ignore any other helpful commentary it thought it could provide.

So, here I stood, outside Bella's apartment, wearing one of those track suits put together with Velcro so you can just rip it off in one swift motion. I was wearing nothing underneath but a speedo covered in silver sequins. I lightly patted my back pocket, making sure my ipod was still in there. Taking one large deep breath, I attempted to gather the courage I needed to knock on Bella's door, get this the hell over with, and hopefully get my girl back.

I raised my fisted hand to her door and thought seriously about knocking, before losing the nerve and dropping my fist back down to my side again. I made three more similar attempts, each time losing my nerve before I could go through with it. I was really starting to freak myself out. if I couldn't even knock on her door, how was I going to possibly follow through with what Emmett had planned for me to do? I growled, frustrated at myself for being such a pussy. A mental kick in the balls to myself later, I had an ache in my mental groin, and possibly enough courage to do this. Raising my fisted hand one more time, I closed my eyes, hoping that the lack of sight would give me the strength I needed, then brought my fisted hand down to knock loudly on the door. My eyes flew open as a loud screech followed my hand making contact with what I thought to be the door.

"What the hell, Edward!" Bella screamed, as she held a hand to her forehead. I realized she must have opened the door right as I was about to knock, and I ended up hitting her in the head instead. I stood there gaping, mouth wide open like a fish, mortified into frozen silence. "What are you doing here?" she growled. I tried to speak, but my mouth just wouldn't cooperate. A look of concern fell over her face as she saw me stand there, frozen in silence. Taking my hand, she clasped it between her fingers and pulled me inside her apartment and onto her couch. The feeling of her fingers intertwined with mine was just what I needed to pull myself out of my stupor. She removed her hand from mine and sat on the opposite side of the couch from me, but the lingering feeling of our recently joined hands stayed with me enough that I was be able to open my stupid mouth. What came out of it, however, I am not sure was quite intelligible.

"I am so sorry, Bella! I was trying to knock on your door and then I guess you opened it and I hit you in the forehead. I didn't mean to hit you, I swear, I would never ever hit you, Bella." I watched as she tried to suppress a smile at my rambling. She was attempting to keep her face cold and emotionless, but was not really pulling it off as well as I am sure she would have like.

"I know, I know, Edward, it was an accident." She sat up straighter, making her body rigid and tense, and folded her arms. She glared at me, lips pursed tensely, and asked, "So what are you doing here, Edward?"

I looked down at my hands, twiddling my thumbs, and my knee began its nervous bounce. I took a deep breath of air, and inhaled the scent of her that permeated the apartment. I had missed her sweet scented strawberry and honey smell so much. I raised my head and looked straight into her beautiful, chocolate colored eyes, whose absence I had also desperately missed. Answering her, I said "I came to apologize."

Her left eyebrow quirked slightly, as she responded, "Oh, really? And what, pray tell, are you apologizing for?"

Closing my eyes briefly, I sighed. I should have known she wouldn't make this easy for me. "Well, for starters, for being a - how did you put it - an exceptionally, unobservant dumbass." She nodded as if to say go on. So I did. "I….I…I…didn't realize…and I…." I ran my fingers through my hair, roughly tugging on the ends, feeling extremely frustrated with myself. "I want to explain myself, but I am afraid it will come out wrong and make things worse, so I planned to do this thing to tell you, but now that is all messed up, and I can't do that, and I can't express myself the right way." She reached over and gently grabbed my arm; her touch immediately comforted me.

"Calm down, Edward. I promise I will listen to all you have to say, and try my best to understand, just take a deep breath and try again, ok?" The look in her eyes was so genuine and kind and caring. I don't know of any other woman who would be so patient with me and my dumbassery. I was about to attempt to explain myself again when she said, "Wait, you said you had something planned to apologize," her tone filled with curiosity. I nodded my head to say yes, and she asked me, "Well, can you do it now?"

"I guess." I replied with a shrug. "I don't know if it will help, but it was Emmett's idea and he said it would work so…" I said, not finishing my sentence.

"This was Emmett's idea, huh?" her eyebrow quirked up once again, and she looked fully amused.

"Well, not the apologizing, that's all me, but he said it would really help if I did this other thing too."

A smirk grew widely across her lips, and she looked as if she had just discovered the answer to a very amusing problem. "Ok, Edward, let's see it."

"Umm…ok" I lamely replied. "Just let me set this up real quick." Walking over to her stereo, I hooked up my ipod and adjusted the volume properly and set it to play the song Emmett had told me to use. As the light drum riff at the beginning of the song began, I took a deep breath and swallowed. There was no going back now; it was either now or never.

I turned around and took a few steps forward. Giving her a small smile, I ripped off my shirt and pants in one fell swoop, which I admit was kinda awesome! The awesomeness of my clothing removal almost made me forget that I now stood in front of Bella wearing nothing but the sequined speedo. The sunlight was bouncing off of it, sending colored specks of light all around the room causing a similar effect to a disco ball. Bella sat on her couch, her hand cupped over her mouth, and I couldn't tell if it was in shock or if she was trying to hide her laughter. By this point, I had decided what the hell, if I am going to do this, which apparently I was, I might as well give it my all.

Plastering what I hoped was a confident grin on my face, I spread my legs into a V and began to swivel my hips just as synthesized notes were added to the already playing beat. Shimmying and swiveling, I slowly stalked towards Bella, and I began to sing the lyrics.

_Sweat baby sweat baby sex is a Texas drought_

_Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about_

I was now standing about two feet in front of where Bella was seated on her couch. Looking her in the eye, I ran my hands up and down my sides in what I hoped was a seductive manner singing the next words.

_So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts_

Cupping my Roman Soldier, as Bella liked to call it, in my hands, I thrust my hips towards her. Back and forth, each thrust moving me closer to where she sat. I now stood close enough to straddle her legs, so I brought my sequined crotch gently down onto her lap as I continued on with the song.

_Yes I'm Siskel yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up_

_You've had enough of two-hand touch you want it rough you're out of bounds_

_I want you smothered want you covered like my Waffle House hashbrowns_

Grinding my semi-erect cock onto her thighs, I leaned into her, letting my hot breath warm her skin as the next words left my mouth.

_Comin' quicker than FedEx never reach an apex just like the Coca-Cola stock you are inclined_

_To make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time_

Slowly rising, I backed off her lap and went back to the spot I had originally stood in, making sure she got a nice view of my ass as I went. Spinning my body around abruptly one hundred and eighty degrees, I made eye contact with Bella and winked before I began the chorus

_You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals_

_So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel_

_You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals_

_So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel_

I thrust my hips forward roughly and slapped my own ass.

Bella's eyes were wide; her hand had gone back to being cupped over her mouth. I was having a really hard time judging her reaction. Hoping for the best, I continued on with the song.

_Love the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket_

I sang as I backed up, spun around and slid onto my knees.

_Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it_

I bent myself backwards as far as I could go until my head was hovering above my calves and I was staring at the ceiling. I brought my body up quickly, winked, and flashed my trademark crooked smile towards Bella. Only to realize it wasn't Bella I was winking and smiling at, but Alice.

I blanched and stood up, trying to cover myself - legs crossed, one arm thrown across my chest, the other placed over my sequin covered junk. Alice was snickering, and I heard the familiar sounds of deep boisterous laughter coming from around the corner. I knew exactly who the laughter was from.

I growled, "Emmett! What the fuck is going on?" I noticed now that Bella and Rosalie were sitting on the floor at his feet clutching their sides, nearly rolling with hysterics. They were laughing so hard they could barely breathe and little sound was coming out. I was afraid any moment they were going to turn blue. It was then that it dawned on me; I had been played. They were all in on it and had set me up, but what I didn't get was why.

Shouting loudly over the raucous laughter that was filling Bella's apartment, I demanded, "WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY THE FUCK I JUST MADE A COMPLETE ASS OF MYSELF IN FRONT OF ALL OF YOU?" Bella tried to stand and answer me, but she was so giggle drunk she couldn't even make it upright before falling over again. I glared at Alice, who sat there still snickering on the couch. She didn't say a word, just ran her fingers across her lips like she was closing them with a zipper.

Emmett came to his senses first, and calmed himself enough to walk over and explain, but once he reached my side the hysterics started all over again. He was only able to choke out enough words to tell me to put some clothes on because there was no way he could talk to me while I was dressed like Chippendale Ken. I scowled at him and walked over to where I had tossed my shirt and pants earlier. Easily doing up the Velcro sides, I slipped them on and stood with my arms crossed over my chest and through clenched teeth said, "Spill, dickhead."

Sitting down on the couch next to Alice, Emmett slid his arm around her. She leaned comfortably into his side and began to fill me in. "Well you see, Eddie boy, you really are an exceptionally unobservant dumbass and don't notice what is right in front of your face. I didn't believe it was as bad as Rose said it was, but I think it might actually be worse."

Rose, by now, had gained enough control of herself to stand upright and stride over to stand behind the couch where Emmett sat. Jutting her hand palm up near his face she said, "Speaking of which, you owe me twenty bucks, Em."

Emmett grumbled, "I know, I know," and reached in his pocket, pulled out a twenty dollar bill, and slapped it into Rose's palm.

"Wait, you guys bet on me? This was a bet?" I huffed, indignantly. They were all really starting to piss me off. I couldn't believe my friends would do this to me. Bella was now completely calm and her face looked somber and confused as she strode over in my direction. Narrowing my eyes, I glared at Bella; she stopped dead in her in her tracks. I didn't want to yell at her but if she was in on this she wasn't who I thought she was. My jaw stiff with anger, I said to her, "Why don't you finish telling me what this was all about? Was the fight even real or just part of your whole let's bet on stupid Edward and embarrass the hell out of him plot?"

Bella's jaw dropped. "What, you think I was in on this?" she asked me exasperatedly

"Well, are you?" I sneered.

A worried look crossed her face and she wrung her hands together. "I swear, Edward, I knew nothing about this before now. Rose, Alice, and Emmett showed up fifteen minutes before you did and insisted I get dressed up to go out with them, telling me I couldn't mope around anymore. I went to grab my lip gloss off the table by the window and saw you standing in front of the door, so I opened it to see why you were here." The look in Bella's eyes and the distress her face conveyed told me she was being honest. I turned my fiery stare back to the couch, saying, "Emmett, you better explain yourself or so help me..." I ran my fingers over my scalp, frustrated as hell. Suddenly, I was surrounded by the comforting smell of strawberries and honey, and felt the warmth of a delicate hand caressing my lower back. Instantly, I felt calmer.

Bella spoke up for me and said with a fierce don't-you-dare-try-shit-with-me tone, "Emmett, I think you have some explaining to do."

"Ok, ok. So yes, I bet on you, but in my defense I was betting that you weren't as dumb as Rose thought. I honestly thought the striptease idea was a good one! I mean, if Rose stripped and did a lap dance for me, I wouldn't think twice about forgiving her, it would be a done deal! I thought if we showed up before you, I could figure out a way to hide out in Bella's apartment in case you needed moral support if things didn't go as planned." Emmett shrugged his shoulders and gave me an apologetic look. "Sorry dude, it all really seemed like a good idea at the time."

I internally rolled my eyes and grumbled, "And they say I am the one that's clueless." I shook my head and took a deep breath in, slowly letting it out. "Em, you are not fully forgiven and we will discuss this again later, ok?"

Emmett nodded and hung his head sheepishly, before saying, "I really am sorry dude, but you got to admit it was hella funny."

"Emmett!" I growled. "You are still on my shit list, so I wouldn't be pushing your luck right now."

Bella caught my eye, gave me a small smile then turned to everyone and said, "Edward and I have some things to discuss that would be best for us to do alone, ok you guys?"

Catching the hint, Alice removed Emmett's arm from around her shoulders and stood. "I really should be going anyway. Jasper needs my help with some things at the bar tonight. Rose, Emmett why don't you give me a ride home?"

Emmett sighed and stood. Rose grabbed his hand and walked with him towards the door. Alice walked over to me and whispered, "Anyone can tell you two really care about each other. I know you can work this out. The two of you were meant to be, I just know it! Haven't you heard, no one bets against Alice?" I gave Alice a small smile and she smiled back gently and softly patted my arm. Turning in Rose's direction, she said, "Speaking of betting against Alice, I think that twenty you just won from Emmett actually belongs to me." She smirked and held out her hand, and Rose grudgingly removed the bill from her pocket and stuck it in Alice's hand. Alice smirked and said to Rose, "I told you Emmett was just as clueless as Edward."

Alice giggled and winked at Bella and I. Emmett stood, stunned, and was about to open his mouth, probably to defend himself, when he was interrupted by a loud pounding on Bella's front door. Emmett reached around to the door knob, twisted it, and swung the door open to reveal a tall, thin blonde wearing a short denim skirt and tiny pink lace top. The young woman wore a worried and frenzied look on her face.

Alice and Rose both looked at the young woman quizzically, and questioned, "Jane?" At mention of her name, a slew of word vomit came out of her mouth and all I could catch was something about trouble, Mitchell, and danger. Bella's face went pure white, and she gasped and passed out, hitting the floor before any of us could catch her.

* * *

** 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 ****。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。**

**O.o I bet you weren't expecting that were you? *laughs maniacally* If you think I have lost complete control of this story and it has gained a mind of its own raise your hand *SweetPoeticJustice raises her hand really high* **

**Ok so I got a few matters of business to attend to that I keep forgetting to leave notes about and then I shall let you all go (read as long ass a/n to follow)**

**#1: Sadly I cannot claim the awesomeness that is the name of Jasper's bar The White Swallow. It is an actually gay bar located in…you wanna guess? Yep surprise, surprise San Francisco California**

**#2 Links to the song mentioned at the beginning of this chap Drop Dead Gorgeous and the song Edward did his little dance to Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang are on my profile.**

**#3 I am assweetcheeks on Twitter and Alice S. Sweetcheeks (well right now I am Sweettits but that's just temp) on FB. Come play with me there if you want and if you think this fic is insane believe you me when I say you ain't seen nothin' compared to my insanity there. **

** Reviews are better than watching Edward dance in a silver sequined speedo…**

***snort* yeah right,****ok so not really but ****they do make me super happy!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely imagined. Twilight characters and their images whether recognizable or not belong to SM. This Chapter has been Closed Captioning enhanced for the hearing impaired. Please wait at least one half hour before swimming after reading this chapter. Batteries not included… oh sorry I thought it was time to spout off random disclaimers…**

**Sorry it took me so long to update work was taking up all of my time the last month but I am back and so is STDward who needs a new name because he no longer has any STD's, idea's anyone? **

**Suebee is my fantasmic beta and makes my crap look good! I kind of adore her bundles and bunches!**

**Last time on **_**As the Clueless Manwhore Turns**_**… A blonde woman named Jane had just arrived at Bella's apartment and announced that Mitchell was in trouble causing Bella to faint. *dark dramatic music plays***

** *~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*****HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*****HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA***

I dashed over to Bella where she lay on the ground, sat next to her, and gently lifted her head and set it in my lap. I was trying to keep calm, but I had no idea what the hell had just happened. "Bella, Bella." I called softly, hoping she would wake up. I brought my head up and glared at the others in the room, forcefully spitting out, "Somebody help her." Jane walked into the apartment, knelt down by Bella, and began shouting orders at people.

"Emmett, grab a cool washcloth, Rosie, get dad on the phone." Wait, _dad?_ Why is Jane referring to Rose's dad as her own? I didn't know Jasper and Rose had another sister. To say I was deeply confused at this point would be an understatement and don't even think of reminding me that I am always deeply confused. Now is not the time.

Emmett came back with a damp washcloth folded over several times and handed it to me to place on Bella's head. I gently placed it on her forehead and caressed her cheek lightly with the soft pads of my fingers; slowly she came to.

After speaking with Carlisle, Rose came back in the room. "Dad said, ummm…like, she will be fine as long as we are sure she didn't, like, hit her head on anything and that, like, he is sending mom over to check on Bells since he, like, can't get away from the clinic, like, right now." I cradled Bella's head and legs in my arms and carried her over to the couch where I laid her down. I sat next to her and lifted her head and rested it in my lap.

"You ok, baby?" I asked her, concerning lacing my tone.

"Uh…yeah, I think so. What happened? I don't really remember."

"We will talk about it soon I just want you to rest a bit first, ok?" Bella was still too out of it to argue with me and acquiesced to my request. "Rose, will you come sit with Bella? I would like to talk to Alice, Jane and Emmett for a minute."

"Uh, yeah, like, sure thing, totally," Rose responded, taking my spot on the couch once I had relinquished it. I gave a harsh glare to the three others in the room and demanded they come with me into the kitchen. As soon as they were all there, Alice and Jane began to speak, but I cut them both off. I glared at the long haired scantily dressed blonde.

"I don't know who you are, why you are here, or what happened, but I do not appreciate you upsetting Bella that way!" All three of them smirked at me and I just glared some more. "This is no laughing matter you guys," I said forcefully and had to resist the urge to stomp my foot like a petulant child.

Their faces sobered up immediately and Jane spoke up. "Yes, we know this is no laughing matter; it's rather serious actually. It's just you do know me."

I cut her off before she could go any further. "If you are some previous fuck, I want you to get the hell out right now!" I whisper shouted in her direction.

"No, no, no, nothing like that, Edward. I don't think I am your type."

Feeling frustrated, I put my hands up in the air and shouted, "What, are you going to tell me you are a man too?"

"Actuuuuuaaaaalllly…" was Jane's response as she reached up to her hair and removed it, revealing to me that she was in fact a man - and not any man, but Jasper!

"Holy hell, not with the drag again! Seriously, do any of you not dress in drag?"

"I don't Eddie boy," Emmett announced. "Although I have been considering trying it out just for fun, might be a good acting exercise."

"Ok, ok whatever Emmett, dress up in women's clothes, mess around with gender roles,  
dye your eyes and call yourself pretty for all I care, just do it later!" I shouted at him.

"Dude, you really need to calm down," Emmett insisted.

"Emmett is right. I need to tell you what is going on and then we need to figure out how to bring it up to Bella without upsetting her all over again," Jasper said in a calm, cool, and collected voice. As I looked him in the eyes, my thoughts strayed to the fact that only Johnny Depp looked as good in eyeliner as Jasper did. _Wait, what? My love's best friend is in some sort of trouble and I am thinking about how pretty Jasper is as a drag queen? What the hell is wrong with me?_ I closed my eyes tightly, taking a few deep breaths to calm myself, reopened them and said, "Ok, what's going on with Mitchell?"

"Mitchell has gotten himself into some serious trouble with organized crime."

"What the hell!" I spat "Organized crime! Since when does Mitchell involve himself in anything like that? Mitchell, who walks two blocks to return a pen he accidentally took from the bank. Mitchell, who couldn't lie if his life depended on it. Mitchell, who bawls like a baby at the mere mention of Bambi because he feels so bad for his mom being shot?"

Jane or Jasper, whatever the hell I am supposed to call him, began to explain. "Well you see, recently Mitchell met Laurent - or Larry as he prefers to go by - and fell head over heels for the guy. Larry has been involved with the mob for several years, providing them with some of their most important accoutrements. Unfortunately, Larry wasn't being completely honest with them about the origin of these items and they of course found out." He made sure to punctuate clearly and slowly his next few words. "They always find out! They kidnapped Mitchell and are holding him hostage and are going to do heaven knows what to him to teach Larry a lesson."

"Holy shit!" I said loudly, before quickly covering my mouth, hoping Bella wouldn't hear and get herself worked up. Honestly, the thought of sweet, happy-go-lucky Mitchell involved with the mob made me feel woozy and sick to my stomach. I leaned over and clutched the side of the counter to steady myself. How in the hell was I going to break this news to Bella? There was no way this could go over well.

Emmett and Jasper/Jane looked over at me with concern. Jasper/Jane began to speak again. "Lucky for us, the mob is headquartered in a little town a few hours from here called Forks, and rumor has it that they transported Mitchell there for safekeeping."

Emmett quirked an eyebrow at Jasper and looked confused. "Wait, since when is anywhere in Washington state headquarters for any kind of organized crime? I know they like to fly under the radar, but I doubt they are able to get by without there being some public knowledge they exist around here."

Jasper just gave Emmett a knowing smirk. "Well you see, this is not your usual mob. This one is a little different and is only known in certain communities." Emmett and I gave Jasper very quizzical looks.

"Go on," I demanded with a wave of my hands.

"Now don't laugh," Jasper began. "Just because they aren't what you would consider to be your average mobster doesn't make them any less dangerous. Especially to others who are within the same community as them, so before I tell you, you've got to promise not to laugh it off and not to disregard the whole seriousness of the situation," he said harshly. Now this is getting really interesting I thought and I could tell Emmett was quite curious too. Before I could ask Jasper to continue Emmett beat me to it.

"Just tell us, Jasper, who, or what are they?"

Jasper took a deep breath as if preparing himself for the ribbing he seemed sure he was going to get. "They are different because this mob consists entirely of drag queens." he said quickly, not taking a breath between words.

Emmett was bright red trying to contain his laughter and I, as usual, was a little slow on the uptake. I gave Jasper a confused look. "So what you are saying is Mitchell is being held hostage by a bunch of queens who like to pretend they are mobsters?"

Jasper looked at me exasperated. "Edward, not pretend, they are real mobsters and just as dangerous!"

I couldn't help but snort and laugh loudly. "You have got to be kidding me, man! There is no way; you've got to be making this shit up!"

Frowning, Jasper replied, "I wish I was; I really wish I was." He looked so stressed and worried I thought that maybe there was something to his claim. Maybe even though they were queens, they were dangerous.

"So..umm…uh…"I stumbled trying to approach my next question. "Is Bella aware these guys, I mean girls, I mean queens, exist?"

"She knows a little, but not much; mostly just rumor that floated around from time to time." Jasper replied.

I fidgeted a bit in the spot I was standing, trying to figure out what we should do next. "Do you think its best if you are here when we tell Bella or if it just comes from me?"

Jasper let out a loud sigh and contemplated his answer for a bit. "Honestly, I have told you everything I know; I don't think me being here would be much help. I think we should clear everyone out, give her some space and have you tell her sometime tonight when you think she is up to it."

My stomach twisted with anxiety at the thought of having to be the one to relay this to Bella. "Um…ok, that's what we will do then," I said nervously.

Emmett put his arm around my shoulders, "You want me to maybe stay and help ya, bro?"

I turned to look him in the eye. "No thanks, I think this is something I need to do on my own. Plus I am gonna have to rethink ever letting you help me with anything again."

He immediately dropped his arm from around my shoulder and looked down at the floor. "I am really sorry man; really it was never my intention to embarrass you like that. I kinda didn't think things through fully and was thinking more about my own personal amusement. I am really sorry."

"Emmett," I said softly, "I can't say I am not mad about how things played out, but the purpose was served. I finally got a clue and have a chance at getting Bella back, so for that I am grateful. I would just watch your back, because when you least expect it, I will return the favor - that's a promise!"

Emmett chuckled and looked me in the eye before saying, "Fair enough man, fair enough." He wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug and did the obligatory male thump on my back. "Good luck tonight," he said as he released me. "We are gonna get going and leave you two alone." I nodded at him as he turned and left the room.

I stood in the kitchen contemplating the situation. I thought about what I was going to tell Bella and if it could really be as bad as Jasper made it sound. There's no way a bunch of queens could be as dangerous as actual mobsters. I took a deep breath and walked back into Bella's front room. When I got there, everyone else had already left and Bella was still on the couch exactly where I had left her. She smiled softly at me as I walked in.

"Hi," she said gently.

"Hi," I replied as I sat next to her and grabbed her hand, enjoying the warmth and comfort I felt having skin to skin contact with her once again. "How are you feeling?" I asked her, care lacing my tone as my thumb tenderly stroked over the faint bluish veins on the top of her hand.

She let out a slow breath and turned her face so her beautiful brown eyes met mine. "Honestly, Edward, physically I feel a little tired but fine. Emotionally, I don't know exactly yet. I need to know what is going on with Mitchell and how serious it is before I can come to terms with how I am doing in that regard. I assume Jasper filled you in; that's what you were all doing in the kitchen, right? So are you going to tell me, how bad is it?"

This time it was me that let out the long slow breath. I put the arm which was not holding her hand around her shoulders and pulled her close to me. She snuggled in, her head resting on my chest. She lifted her face, her eyes begging me for answers, so I relayed the entire situation to her.

I told her how Mitchell was in trouble with organized crime because of his new friend Larry and I was quick to explain that they weren't your typical run of the mill mobsters, that they were also all drag queens. At first she was livid with Mitchell for being so stupid as to get involved in this type of situation. Never in a million years would she have thought it was possible for Mitchell to be in this scenario.

Her anger toward Mitchell quickly morphed into anxiety and fear for his well-being. I comforted her and let her know that we would all do everything possible to rescue Mitchell from this terrible situation. I vowed I would do whatever it took to get her best friend back to her safely.

After some ranting and a whole lot of tears, she finally calmed. She of course remained worried, but I was able to soothe her somewhat, arguing how dangerous could a bunch of drag queens really be? She did feel a slight comfort in the fact that it wasn't the _real_ mob that held Mitchell captive and I assured her several times over that I felt this was something we could handle and that we would!

We sat in silence for a while, contemplating the situation and soaking up the nearness of each other. I eventually broke the silence; I needed to know where we stood. Were we back together, were we ok, what did she want? I ran my fingers through her chestnut locks and tenuously said her name. "Bella?" She hummed in response, enjoying the sensation of my fingers combing through her hair and gently massaging her scalp. "Umm…" I began nervously. "Where do we stand, you and me? Will you forgive me and my cluelessness? I want to be with you sweetheart I lo..care for you so deeply."

Bella sat herself up straight and looked me in the eyes, letting me know the sincerity of what she was going to say. "Edward, it wasn't entirely your fault. I made mistakes too and I went about a lot of it the wrong way. I want to be with you! Will you forgive me for getting so angry and overreacting?"

"Sweetheart," I said, my hands cupping her face, our noses almost touching, eyes peering into the deepest depths of each other, "There is absolutely nothing to forgive." Before she could argue with me on the subject, I brought her face in closer until our lips were pressed together and I began kissing her. She returned my affection and our lips moved in tandem, showing the other how much we had missed them.

I moved my lips to her jawline and brushed them up the side of her face until I reached her earlobe, where I stopped and sucked gently. My hands moved to her waist, pulling her as close to me as I possibly could. Apparently that was not close enough for Bella, because she turned her body and climbed onto my lap until she was straddling me.

"Oh Bella, Bella," I breathed, as I continued to assault her neck and jaw with soft kisses, stopping every once in a while to drink in the scent that was uniquely Bella. "Bella, oh Bella," I breathed into her skin again. As I did, she began to grind herself onto my very hardened dick. I moaned loudly, reveling in the sensation. She did it again and I grunted.

My hands on her waist, I stilled her body. "Bella, stop, I need to tell you something and I can't focus with you doing that." I paused, catching my breath. She started to speak and I gently placed my forefinger to her lips. "Shhh, just let me say this." She nodded in response and I continued, "Bella, I know it might be too soon for this and I know we just got back together, but I can't hold it in any longer. I need to say it out loud, I need you to know." I shut my eyes and inhaled her scent, deeply calming myself before I gazed back into her eyes. "Bella, I love you."

It wasn't long; maybe only half a beat of silence from her, but it was plenty to worry me. I wasn't worried for long, though, because she wrapped her arms around my shoulders, leaned in and whispered in my ear. "Oh Edward, I love you too." I sat there stunned, unable to move. She loved me too? How was this possible? How could someone like her fall in love with someone like me?

She moved back to look me in the eye and asked, concerned, "Edward are you ok?"

The only word I could get out of my mouth was, "Really?"

She giggled. "Yes really, you silly boy! I really love you, oh so much."

A huge grin overtook my face. "I love you so, so much too, Bella." Overcome with emotion and need for her, I crashed my lips into hers and began a passionate frenzied kiss, tongues were tangling, teeth were bumping, hands were roaming. Her hands began to lower to my backside, slipping her fingers underneath the waistband of my jeans and boxers, her nails gently grazing and caressing the bare skin there.

I moved my hand from her waist and stroked her breast, my thumb gently gliding over her very erect nipple, causing her to gasp. She was grinding downward and I upward causing delicious friction between our two bodies. The room was filled with only the sounds of gasps and moans.

"Edward, Edward," Bella moaned out. "Let's take this to my bedroom; please I need you so bad, I have for so long."

"Oh, Bella, me too!" I let out in a similar breathy voice. "Bella, sweetheart, I don't have anything with me."

She had moved her lips to my neck and was kissing along my Adams apple when she responded, "Don't worry, I do and I am on the pill."

"mmm….ohhhh…mmmm" were the only sounds I was able to make; my mind clouded with lust, my body's want taking over. An errant thought popped in and out of my head at brief intervals. There was something I wanted to ask Bella before we did this, wasn't there? I tried to remember through the lust cloud that had overcome my brain, but the sensations everywhere else in my body were too much to ignore and my focus was quickly lost.

Bella lifted herself off of my lap, grabbed my hand, pulled me up off the couch and into her bedroom. It was then that I remembered what it was; I didn't want to ruin the moment and I really wanted this. I trusted her, right? She wasn't like the other girls; this was Bella, she was clean. I decided right then and there that, yes, I trusted Bella and even if I did get something from her, it would be worth it.

I guess my musings took me a little longer than I thought as Bella called, "Edward, earth to Edward. Are you alright?"

Snapping out of it, I smiled and said, "Never been better." I wrapped my arms around her waist and backed her up until her knees hit the edge of the bed and she fell backwards onto it. I lay my body carefully over hers and began to kiss her neck. She hummed in pleasure as I moved lower to her cleavage.

Through gasps and hums of pleasure, she stumbled out, "Edward, wasn't there something you wanted to ask me?"

I continued my assault on her chest, getting closer to her breasts as I went. "Nope, I don't," I said between licks and nibbles of her savory skin.

"You don't?" She asked quizzically as our hips began to thrust against each other as if one had a magnetic effect on the other. "I'm clean, you know," she panted out.

I sat her and me up a bit so I could remove her shirt. "I know, I trust you."

"You do?" she questioned. "Emmett said you wanted to ask me to get tested first, but didn't know how to approach it."

"Emmett should keep his big mouth shut and mind his own business." I growled.

Bella grabbed my face in her hands, making sure I had eye contact with her. "I wasn't offended; I understand why you would feel that way."

"You do?" I am sure my eyes relayed my confusion to her. Our faces remained mere inches apart, and she cupped mine in her hands.

She nodded ever so slightly. "Yes, I do. Can I ask what changed your mind?"

"I decided I didn't need to know. I trust you and even if you weren't, I didn't care. It would be worth it to experience making love with you."

A smile overcame her face and she released her hands from my cheeks. I sat back and looked down where Bella had reached behind herself and was undoing her bra. The black lacy material that had been covering her breasts fell to her lap and, for the very first time, I took in the wonders that were Bella's breasts. They were perfection. "You are so beautiful, Bella." Then, no longer able to resist, needing to know how she felt and tasted there, I latched my lips onto her nipple and sucked while my thumb grazed and flicked the other one.

She moaned in pleasure as her hips bucked into mine. "You are wearing entirely too many clothes, Edward. Your shirt and pants need to go now!" she practically growled. Feisty Bella I liked. I chuckled and reluctantly left my station at her chest and removed my shirt and pants so that I stood in front of her wearing nothing but my boxer briefs. I decided to remove those too and Bella gaped as my erection sprung out of its confines. She sat up, immediately staring at my hardened lower half. She looked up at me shyly through her eyelashes and asked, "Can I touch it?"

"Yes, please." I moaned in response, stepping a little closer so it now bobbed directly in front of her face. She ran her fingers gently up and down the sides of it before taking it firmly in both hands and pumped slightly. It felt beyond anything I had ever felt, it was so good. A loud "fuuuuck!" left my lips. She took me by surprise as she licked the precum that was beginning to drip from the tip and then put my dick in her mouth. "Holy shiiiiit!" I cried out. "Bella! Bella!" I called, "You've got to stop or I'm gonna cum; you feel too damn good!"

She released my dick with a pop and pulled me down so I was lying on top of her. "You don't know how long I have wanted to do that," she remarked, a coy smile on her face.

"Oh, really?" I replied. "It couldn't possibly be as long as I have craved tasting you." I slid down her body until I reached the button on her pants. I slowly undid it and she helped me shimmy them off her hips.

"Really?" She asked, looking confused.

"You have no idea, love." I answered with a lick of my lips. I slipped my fingers into the sides of her underwear and looked to her face for confirmation that it was ok for me to remove them.

She nodded towards me and let out a needy, "Please."

I looked at her, curious about her reaction. "Has no one ever done this for you before?"

She bit her lip and blushed slightly. "Um…no," she responded shyly.

"Well they missed out. I can already tell, Bella, you smell heavenly." I quickly removed her underwear and stared at her and her glistening wetness. I licked my lips as I spread her legs and touched her gently at first before rubbing my fingers more firmly up against her sensitive areas and then slipped in a finger. She was so warm, so tight, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed a taste. I stuck another finger in and pumped them in and out as I moved my lips right in front of her pussy and licked her clit. She bucked and moaned loudly in appreciation, spurring me on to want to do more.

I buried my face in her ever growing wetness and licked, sucked and nibbled while keeping up the ministrations with my fingers inside her. Her moans and cries were getting louder and her walls were beginning to clamp down on my fingers. I could tell she was about to cum.

Bella arched her back high up off the bed and I could feel her legs stiffen as she cried, "Yes! Yes! Oh Yeeesss! Ohhh…ohhhh…ohhhh…Edwaaaaaaaard!" She exploded around my fingers and face and I licked every bit up. I kissed her oversensitive clit one last time and moved my body up so I was kneeling over her limp, panting and satiated body.

"Oh my hell, Edward! That was just…it just…I…I have no words." she said between breaths she was still struggling to catch. I just stared at her beautiful, glowing, post-orgasmic skin and took it all in. Loving that I was the one to make her feel and look this way. All of a sudden, she grabbed my face and pulled me down on top of her, wildly kissing the shit out of me. She was suddenly aggressive and I liked it.

"Bella, Bella," I whined "I need…I need inside you so bad, baby."

"I need you in me too, NOW!" she said forcefully.

"Condoms, where are your condoms?" I questioned hastily.

"Next to the bed, top drawer, hurry!" she panted.

I crawled over and opened the drawer, reached inside and pulled out a condom. Quickly disposing of the wrapper, I slipped it on and lunged back onto Bella, attacking her lips with mine. She kissed me back just as passionately as we rolled around on the bed, trying to keep some control of the feral desire we had for each other. Finally, with Bella beneath me, I lifted her leg around my waist and slipped myself inside her.

She was so warm, so tight and so wet; it was better than anything I had ever felt. There was no way even heaven could top being inside Bella. I stilled for a moment, the feeling of being inside her overcoming my body; I needed just a moment to calm down. Despite all my experience, it felt like my first time and I didn't want to be a two pump chump.

I breathed in long and slow and moved a piece of Bella's hair off her face. She smiled at me and tenderly caressed my back. Her eyes closed and she moaned, "You feel so good and you're not even moving." I chuckled and pressed a slow and languid kiss to her lips as I began to move my hips against hers, leisurely bringing myself almost all the way out of her before sinking deep into her once again.

I sucked on her breasts as her hands cupped my backside. I slipped her leg off my waist and moved her so that both of her legs were stretched out straight below me. She crossed her ankles; she was so tight this way. Her walls were clamping down once again and her back was arched.

Her moans and screams of, "Yes, Edward…oh yeeeees!" spurred me on, and when she whispered in my ear, "Fuck me harder, Edward!" it was almost my undoing. I sped up my pace and thrust forcefully into her as she demanded, "Harder, harder!" until she screamed my name so loud I wouldn't be surprised if the neighbor's three doors down had heard. "EDWAAAAAAAARD!"

Witnessing the pure pleasure that filled her face as she came made me follow her, spilling into the condom with a loud moan and grunt. I fell limply onto her and a "Wow" came out of our mouths simultaneously.

Bella smiled at me and I moved off of her, not wanting to crush her with my weight. Regrettably, I pulled out and went into the bathroom to dispose of the condom. I returned to her bedroom and climbed in bed with her, scooping her up in my arms and holding her glowing and satiated body next to mine. "I love you, Edward," Bella said as she tangled her fingers with mine that lay resting on her stomach.

"I love you too, Bella, so much," I replied as I rested my head next to hers, inhaling the scent that filled the room - Bella's distinct honeysuckle scent and the scent of our lovemaking. Closing my eyes, I swiftly fell asleep.

***~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*****HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*********HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~*********HEA*~*HEA*~*HEA*~***

**Someone super awesome nominated GHEA for not one but three *holds up 3 fingers and makes a shocked face* Sunflower Awards! Best Edward, Best Humor and Best Title HOLY SHIT!*****starts hyperventilating* ****Whoever it was you rock my yellow and black mismatched socks! I know it sounds trite but it is truly an honor that someone even thought to nominate me and I am touched! Great big thank you to you!**

**Voting for the awards is now open through the 25****th**** go and vote, not necessarily for me there are tons of awesome fics and authors nominated that deserve the recognition and honestly I am overjoyed to just have my noms!**

**50 gold stars to anyone who caught the song reference in this chap and one of my cream cheese frosting covered super soft sugar cookies (they are delish, I promise you don't want to miss out) to anyone who reviews. **

**Thanks for reading loves until next time...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hola all you beautiful people still with me and this crazy. Sorry for the delay in update life has been...well let's say interesting. Good news is that the next chap is already written just needs clean-up and sent off to beta. **

**Interesting thing as you all know I do not own Twilight or it's characters, I do however own a yearbook that contains a former fellow high school student and drama geek like me that is now a drag queen at Fire Island in NYC and let me tell you he makes a damn good Julie Andrews *whispers* in fact I think he might even look more like Julie Andrews than the actual Julie Andrews. **

**Mucho thanks go out to the loveliest beta fairy in the land Miss Suebee she is not only the most awesome beta but also one of the most awesome friends I have ever had. Team dick rot makes me hot Mandy, Nikka, and Candy round out three more amazing women who pre-read for me and I don't know what I would do without them in my life. **

**Ok enough with the sappy shit and on with the show! Lets go get us some Drag queen Mobsters whaddya say?**

* * *

Bella and I walked into Jasper's bar and were greeted by the loud strains of Emmett's voice as he enthusiastically told a group of drag queens standing around the bar, "Nah, by the time it got to the nude part, you didn't think of him as himself or as Harry; it was just some nude dude traipsing around onstage with a horse."

I did an internal eye roll at hearing Emmett once again discussing the finer points of the time he saw _Equus_ on Broadway. Dude wouldn't shut up about it and he had seen it over two and a half years ago. I personally think he had a secret thing for Daniel Radcliffe. Jasper's bar surrounded by drag queens and whatnot was perfect new fodder for Emmett's obsession. This group wouldn't groan at having to hear all about the nudity he witnessed firsthand. They soaked it up like earth that hadn't seen rain in years, hanging on his every word and begging for more details.

We were meeting at Jasper's bar to make a plan to rescue Mitchell. I was nervous for Bella's sake; I really hoped we could figure something out and pull it off successfully. I honestly had no clue what we were getting ourselves into and any mention I made of getting the police involved was quickly shot down. I was told involving the police would only complicate things and possibly make things worse in the long run for Mitchell. Bella seemed to agree and she was the daughter of a police chief, so I dropped the issue.

Carlisle and Esme walked into the bar only minutes behind us; I was not surprised to find out Carlisle would actually be involved in helping us out. He loved Bella like she was his own daughter and felt the need to assist in any way he could with the rescue. Walking up behind me, Carlisle patted me on the back and said hello, then turned to Bella and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and asked her how she was holding up.

Jasper walked out of the backroom carrying what appeared to be black leather bound journal. He was going to be the backbone of this operation. Not only did he know more about the drag queen mafia than anyone else, he was also highly trained in the strategy and tactic of war games, as he previously was part of an amateur paintball team _The Paraplegic Turtles_. When it came to amateur paintball teams, they were one of the best. That was mostly due to Jasper and the team's captain, Garret, who, despite his peg leg, was one of the best players out there.

Calling everyone's attention, Jasper requested we all be seated at the tables nearby. We all took our seats and prepared to listen to Jasper and the plan he had come up with for recovering Mitchell.

One hour later we had a plan. We each had an assignment and duty that was essential to pulling this off successfully, and I prayed we would. First step in the plan was getting ourselves to Forks, where we were pretty sure they were holding Mitchell captive. Larry had already traveled to Forks ahead of us to get a head start on finding out anything he could having to do with the Queens mafia and where they could possibly be holding Mitchell. There wasn't going to be much for him to do once we all got there as the Queens already knew who he was since he was the whole reason Mitchell and the rest of us were in the mess to begin with.

Bella had wandered over to the table where Esme was sitting and was having an animated conversation with her. Bella's worry over this mess Mitchell had found himself in made it so that, as of late, she had barely cracked a smile. Seeing her animated and giggling over whatever Esme and she were speaking about made me happy.

A few minutes later, Alice and Rose sat down with Bella and Esme and joined in on whatever topic they were discussing. Alice began giggling along with Bella and Esme; Rose, on the other hand, kept a straight face until Alice leaned over and whispered something in her ear. Whatever Alice said made Rose smile largely and take a quick glance in my direction. I could hear the quiet tittering of Esme and Bella chiding Rose not to look. I had no idea what was going on, but I was intrigued. Were they talking about me? Bella looked my way and smiled softly. I winked at her in return, causing a small blush to creep up her cheeks. Laughing, I walked over to Jasper and Carlisle who were discussing the formalities of the situation.

All of a sudden, a hand was over my mouth, a strong arm was wrapped around my waist, and I was being pulled backwards into a nearby dark corner. I was filled with fear; what the hell was going on here? Were the Queens already onto us? Were they taking me captive now, too? I began to struggle and the arms holding me in place released me. I turned, and was ready to swing a punch right before realizing it was just Emmett.

"WHAT THE HE…" I began to shout before Emmett slapped his hand over my mouth again to shut me up.

Putting the forefinger from his other hand to his lips, he whispered, "Shhhh…you wanna know what Larry did to cause this mess, right?" he asked me. I just nodded and Emmett released his bulky paw from where he had it cupped over my mouth and continued. "Jasper and Carlisle are discussing it right now, so be quiet and listen and maybe we can find out why." I just nodded in response again and we both positioned ourselves to hear what was going on.

The father and son were both speaking softly and I couldn't really catch what was being said. I caught a few words here and there like, Streisand, wigs, and Snookie. I furrowed my brow and gave Emmett a confused look. Whispering, I asked him, "Are you sure they are talking about Mitchell and not something to do with the _White Swallow_ and their next performing act?"

Emmett shrugged. "I don't know, it sounded like that was what they were going to be discussing, but this makes no sense. What would that have to do with Larry?"

I stepped into the light from the dark corner and told Emmett, "I'm not going to lurk anymore. Let's just go over there and ask them straight up and demand to know. If we are going to be involved with this and possibly risk our lives, we deserve to know the reasons behind Mitchell's capture."

Emmett sighed loudly. "I guess you're right, dude." Grabbing his crotch over his pants roughly, he said, "Let's grow some and find out why." I rolled my eyes at his gesture - it was such an Emmett thing to do. I began to make my way over to Jasper and Carlisle, Emmett trailing not far behind me.

As soon as we reached the father and son, their conversation stopped abruptly and the stressed looks they previously wore morphed into more relaxed ones. They greeted us kindly and tried to make small talk. I couldn't take it anymore and addressed the elephant in the room.

"Are you guys ever going to tell us what Larry did to cause this mess in the first place?" I asked sharply.

Carlisle and Jasper's looks of stress returned along with the look of defeat. Carlisle gave his son a tender look and put his hand on his shoulder. "Son, they deserve to know why."

Jasper let out a loud sigh. "I suppose you're right, Edward. Why don't you go grab Bella and come meet us back in my office? She needs to hear this too." I nodded, thanked Jasper for finally confiding in us, and went to get Bella and take her with me to join everyone else in Jasper's office.

Carlisle saved Bella and me a spot on the plush leather couch. Emmett was already in the office and had been joined by Rose. Alice had slipped in and was comforting Jasper by intimately rubbing her palm along his back, whispering soothing words to him. A moment later, we were joined by Esme; she informed Jasper that the staff had been told he was not to be disturbed. Graciously, he thanked his mother by giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. He walked to his office door and locked it before filling us in.

Clearing his throat, he began. "First off, you must all understand that as trivial and possibly humorous this may sound to all of you in our world, it is a very offensive matter and not something that is taken lightly and must be kept in complete confidence. If they find out you are aware of the situation, it could mean even graver danger for the rest of us."

The room hummed with sounds of agreement and our heads nodded in acknowledgment of what he just said. Bella clasped my hand tight within hers, our fingers intertwining. I squeezed her hand in comfort, gave her a small smile and kissed her on her temple.

We turned our attention back to Jasper, who began to explain the details of Larry's so called business. "Larry was in the business of supplying wigs. Some of his dealings were legitimate, but that was only to cover up his more lucrative end of the business; the sale of wigs made from the hair of celebrities. The most sought after wigs in the drag world were the ones made from the hairs of Barbara Streisand and Liza Minnelli." Jasper took a deep breath and sat on the edge of his desk and Alice continued to comfort him by softly running her hand up and down his lower back. "For years, the Queen's Mafia, or QM, had been purchasing these from Larry with the understanding that the hairs on the wigs that they wore were at least fifty percent authentic Streisand or Minnelli locks. Recently, thru certain mistakes made by Larry and a few other unfortunate circumstances, the QM discovered that Larry had been less than honest. None of the hair in the wigs had actually come from Streisand or Minnelli's head."

Jasper stood from where he had been perched on the edge of the desk and slowly began pacing the length of the room. "It was discovered that the majority of the hair had been acquired by Larry and his associates from discount salons. Their main supplier was in Hoboken, New Jersey. Larry did have one contract with a legitimate star." Jasper stopped his pacing and explained to us that in this woman's case, the term legitimate star was to be used loosely. This was because this so called celebrity was the well-known Snookie from the reality show Jersey Shore. She was his one and only contracted hair provider of any type of notoriety.

Perching himself on the edge of his desk once more, his right leg shaking in agitation, he continued. "This revelation of where the wig hair had come from set them off in a tizzy. If that wasn't enough to already hold the QM's contempt against Larry, it was discovered a few days later that Larry had also been responsible selling the wigs to the production company behind their beloved vampire love story, _Twilight_. The Queens had been upset for some time at the atrociousness of the wigs that were used in the series. They wanted to punish Larry for his deception with the wigs' origins and for ruining their long awaited movies."

I found myself biting my tongue to stop myself from laughing, trying to keep with Jasper's wishes in understanding that in their world, this was a serious deal. Honestly, to me it sounded like a Fan Fiction plot gone bad. Yes, I know what Fan Fiction is. Sometimes at night when you can't sleep and you're perusing the internet, you find some interesting things.

I do, however, highly regret the time I stumbled onto a fan fiction story about Spongebob, Sandy and Squidward having a three way. Some things can't be forgotten, no matter how hard you try. I shivered slightly at the memory. Bella looked at me with concern and mouthed the words _Are you ok?_ I nodded that I was fine and wrapped my arm around her shoulders, bringing her closer to me.

We all sat in silence for a moment, absorbing the story we just heard. Emmett was the first to speak as he shouted, "I can't believe it! The wigs in _Twilight_ always drove me insane. I mean, could you be more obvious that your actors were wearing fucking wigs!" His hands were flying wildly about as he made this exclamation, stopping with a loud slap to the sides of his thighs.

I sat stone still, afraid that Emmett was far from serious. Looking him over, there was no smirk, no wink, no mischievous glint in his eye, nothing but sincerity and anger. Huh, who knew? Either Em was a much better actor than I gave him credit for or he was a closet _Twilight_ junkie. Honestly, it shouldn't surprise me. Everything about Em was so unpredictable it bordered on predictable.

I gave Emmett a confused look, and he glared a bit at me and then the rest of the room, everyone looking like they were also surprised at his outburst. "What?" he exclaimed. "Just 'cause I'm a guy, I can't like _Twilight_?"

I chuckled. "Dude, no, like whatever you want. You just surprised us, is all. We had no idea; you've never mentioned _Twilight_ before."

Emmett folded his arms defensively. "Well I do!" he huffed.

Trying to change the subject from Em's outburst, Jasper clapped his hands to gather our attention. "Times a-wastin y'all. We need to get a move on if we want to be able to pull this off."

We stood at that announcement, said our goodbyes, and then went to make our preparations for Mitchell's rescue in Forks.

The next morning, I woke to a naked Bella wrapped around me. She spent most of her nights at my place now and I would be lying if I said I didn't like it. I nuzzled my nose into her neck, relishing in her unique smell, and sighed, the breath tickling her collar bone, sending goose bumps throughout her body and causing her to wiggle her backside into my already very awake groin. "Baby," I moaned, "You better stop that unless you plan to follow through."

Bella's voice was tinged deeply with sleep and she mumbled, "What hun?" then ground her hips in a circular motion into me once again. I knew then that she was more awake than she let on. I began kissing her up and down her neck, every once in a while letting my tongue sweep out to taste her honeyed skin, causing small whimpers to slip from between her lips. I reached my arms around and grasped one of her breasts in the palm of my hand, slightly pinching and kneading the nipple, while my other hand made its journey to the area between her legs. My fingers slipped in between her silky folds, where I found a large pool of wetness waiting there for me. She moaned at the sensation of my touch and started panting heavily as I continued with my fingers.

A loud hammering sound pierced through the room all of a sudden, causing us both to jump. "What the hell!" I exclaimed, as I continued to grind my hardness into Bella's backside.

Bella whimpered and said, "Don't stop, baby, please don't stop! Just ignore it." I continued on, feeling her wetness increase and wanting nothing more than to flip her over and slide my dick deep inside of her. I was just about to do so when the knocking moved from the front door to my bedroom window. Whoever was out there was persistent.

"C'mon Eddie boy!" a booming voice demanded. "We know you're in there. You can lick your lady's pussy later; we've got to get going now!"

My whole body stiffened and I released my fingers from the wet warmth where they were housed. "Fucking Emmett!" I growled. I took a quick glance at the clock on my nightstand; he was here an hour and half early. I threw my head back against my pillow in frustration. "He's not supposed to be here for another hour and a half," I groaned.

Bella turned herself over so she was facing me and kissed me sweetly on the lips. "Don't worry; we will have plenty of time for this later."

"Ok," I agreed with a sigh. Then I remembered the whole reason behind our journey and felt like shit. "Oh shit, baby, I am such a fucking idiot. I should be comforting you, not the other way around. I'm such an asshole!" I growled.

Bella just giggled in return. "Silly boy, don't feel bad for wanting me."

"But why do you put up with me? You know you could do so much better," I said, looking down at the sheets twisted around my legs.

Bella rolled off the bed in all her naked glory, faced towards me, and bent over, her breasts swinging right above my mouth. "Because I love you, and you may be an idiot, but you're my idiot." She set a small peck on my lips, righted herself, and, with a small skip, she turned so I now had a perfect view of her bare ass. She grabbed her silky blue robe hanging off the footboard, slid it on and, looking over her shoulder, she added, "And I'm a glutton for punishment." A small giggle escaped her lips as she made her way to the window, where she surprised Emmett by pounding fiercely on the glass. A shrill, girl-like, high pitched scream could be heard coming from the other side. I had to hide my face in my pillow to drown out my laughter and Bella bit her lip to stop hers.

She slid open the blinds then partially opened the window and stuck her head through. "Just give us a few, and we will be right out, ok Emmett?" I assume Emmett agreed with a nod or something, because I heard nothing and Bella shut the window and headed to the bathroom. "Come on, sleepy head; time to get a move on. Why don't you come join me in the shower and we will conserve time and energy?" she said, and I was up and out of that bed in no time flat.

A short while later, we were dressed and meeting Emmett at his car. Rose was in the passenger seat inspecting her newest manicure as usual. She gave us both a minute glance and eye roll as we slipped into the backseat. "Shit, what took you so long?" Emmett growled. Before either of us could answer, he said, "Wait, I probably don't want to even know, do I?" Bella and I said nothing, just smiled and squeezed each other's hand.

It was going to take a little over 3 hours to get to Forks from my apartment. Not a huge drive, but it would take some time nonetheless. I figured we could use the time to review and firm up our plans for the rescue and the better prepared we were, the more likely we would be able to pull it off.

We arrived in Forks nearly four hours later due to the numerous bathroom breaks we had to take because Rose apparently has a bladder the size of a marble. We pulled into the parking lot of a local motel where we planned on setting up base and meeting the rest of the gang. Esme and Carlisle along with Jane & Alice were already there. Although Jasper didn't normally dress in drag most days like Alice did, today was different. The few times he had any type of interaction with the QM he had been Jasper, so they figured it was safer for him to remain as Jane while we were here.

I found it amazing that Carlisle handled his sons dressing in drag so well. He didn't treat him any differently as Jane than he did when he was Jasper, and was always careful to even refer to him as his daughter rather than his son. I wasn't sure if my father would be as understanding.

We got settled in and then reviewed our game plan one last time. Jasper announced it was time to get ready for the party tonight. Our plan involved infiltrating the Queens' big bash they were holding tonight. It would be in the back of the cosmetics store they ran as a legitimate front here in Forks called _The Queen's Backdoor_.

I wondered how the backroom of a small cosmetics store could possibly be large enough to hold the kind of party we had been told about, but Jasper explained that it wasn't actually in the backroom. You entered in the backroom and through there you accessed the underground epi-center of where the Queens conducted the real business, the mob stuff. It also included several conference rooms and a large hall they typically used for their parties. According to Jasper, there was some type of party most nights, but talk was abuzz about a special announcement Candy Crackerjack, the mob boss, was going to make tonight. This announcement had drag queens from all over pouring in, wanting to be the first to hear whatever it was she had to say. Jasper suspected that this announcement had something to do with Larry, Mitchell and the wig scandal.

We finished reviewing what our specific duties were for tonight and then it was time to get ready. Jane and Alice were heading off early to scope out the situation and make sure everything looked good to go. Rose hauled Emmett off to their room to drag queenify him, Esme did the same to Carlisle, and Bella was to help get me ready.

Alice had already set out everything we would need to turn me into a flawless drag queen, along with detailed instructions for Bella. When I had dressed in drag before, I hadn't needed to do nearly half these things, but this time I was expected to go full out. This included shaving most of my body so Bella pulled out the shaving cream and razor and got started. Next were the undergarments and, if I thought it was bad last time, I had no clue how easy I had gotten off. The only thing I recognized from last time was the corset; everything else was new to me. I couldn't imagine how the hell I was supposed to wear half this stuff. There were more under things lined up than clothes themselves, and I silently groaned. _This was going to be fun_, I thought sarcastically.

Bella picked up the list in her hand and reviewed the instructions that Alice had outlined for her. "OK," she began, "It looks like Alice says that after we shave your chest, you are to push your pecs together as much as possible while I wrap you with medical tape to hold them in place and that should create your cleavage." Bella was taking this all very seriously and, although I wanted to groan or chuckle at the thought of what we were going to do, I didn't. She tapped her finger to her lip for a second while looking at the list and said, "Well, ok, looks easy enough. Let's get started."

So I pushed my pecs together and she wrapped the tape around me and then proceeded with the next step of securing the corset around me. I hated this thing; it was so uncomfortable and I could barely breathe. Then she handed me these weird sheer pillow like things. I guess they were birdseed tied up in nylons to give me breasts. I deposited them into their rightful spots on each side of my chest at the top of the corset.

I turned and looked in the motel bathroom mirror. _Huh, doesn't look too bad_ I thought and began to cup my hands over the bust of my corset, kind of feeling it out. Bella stood behind me and her reflection in the mirror gave me a quirked eyebrow as she said, "You want me to leave you guys alone for awhile?" referring to my inspection of my new faux breasts.

"Haha," I deadpanned.

She motioned for me to turn around, and then took another quick glance at the list. "Ok, mister. Remove that towel now; we got some tucking to do."

"As much as I would love to fuck you right now, Bella, I really don't think there is time," I replied.

She laughed and laughed and then laughed some more. I put my hand on my hip and asked, "What? What's so funny about that?"

Grabbing what appeared to be a nude colored pair of women's underwear off the bed, she stalked over to me and playfully swatted them at me. "Not fucking, you dork, tucking. You know, where you hide away your man parts, your roman soldier," she said as she made air quotes with her finger, "The pussy pillager."

My eyes grew wide and I backed up until my backside hit the bathroom counter. "What, why, how?" I questioned in fear.

"Why do you think we shaved you down there?" she bluntly asked, an amused smile resting on her lips.

"Uh, I don't know. I just thought you were being thorough or something, I guess," I stammered.

"Nope, we are gonna take your pretty little penis, tape it between your legs and, this right here?" she held up the underwear, "This will help hold it all in."

"You have got to be kidding me!" I shouted.

"Sorry, sweetheart, I am as serious as a heart attack," she replied.

I groaned and buried my face in my hands shaking my head. I looked up at Bella, dropped my towel and said, "Tuck away," with a loud sigh of defeat.

I guess it should have occurred to me that this would be part of the process, but, well, I am me and you know I'm not always as aware as I should be.

"Now, Edward, you are going to have to try really hard…" she stopped and snickered. "You can't get turned on while I touch you, ok? I don't think that would be very pleasant for you."

I cringed and nodded in agreement as I tried to do anything I could to not even get a semi while Bella's hands were on me. Looking down and seeing her place my manhood between my legs then pull off a bit of tape with her teeth was incentive enough. I think my balls went and hid in my stomach after that display. She got me taped up and, believe me, I wasn't looking forward to it coming off, then had me slip the underwear thing on.

After the torturous undergarments were properly in place, she tossed me a pair of nylons and told me to put them on while she set about getting the dress ready. After nearly hitting my head on the bathroom counter and the floor, I finally was able to manage with very little grace to get the nylons on. When I saw the dress, I was glad to see Jasper had taken into consideration the fact I would not be used to maneuvering in one and had chosen one that was looser around the hips and waist, and the shoes had only a small heel.

To tell you the truth, even the thought of walking in the small heel was freaking me out. I looked at my sweet, beautiful girl and remembered why I was doing this. I was doing this for her and her best friend. I didn't even want to think about what would happen to Bella if we weren't able to rescue Mitchell. She loved him so much he was like a little brother to her, and I know any tragedy becoming him would devastate her. I didn't complain; it wouldn't be fair to Bella and she had enough to worry about. I needed to stop being such an idiot all the time, even if she still loved me because I was her idiot.

Bella placed the wig on my head, which was brunette this time and luckily only about chin length so I didn't have to worry as much about hair I wasn't use to having getting in the way, then applied the makeup to my face. I still thought I looked like a dog, but Bella said I looked cute. I wasn't sure how to take that. I didn't get how Alice and Jane and some of the other drag queens actually look like pretty good females and I couldn't. I only hoped Emmett would look worse than me because I had a feeling Carlisle was going to look great in drag.

The girls - Bella, Esme, and Rose - would not be going to the party, but instead were going to be look outs. Bella was not happy with this decision; she wanted to be there to rescue Mitchell herself, but Jasper felt it was too much of a risk to bring real females in posing as drag queens.

The three women were dressed in black from head to toe. All Bella could find that she already owned was some tight, black leather pants and a snug, fitted sweater, with a black pair of mid-high heeled boots. I was worried about how well those would work in a situation where she would have to run, but she said for me not to worry, she would be fine and I hoped she would.

Bella got dressed and, when she turned around, I saw how the heels on the boots made her calves and ass look even better than usual as the leather clung to her like a second skin. The curve of the sweater over her breasts looked almost like a tight caress. I had to think of everything non-sexual I could so as not to get a hard on. She looked fucking delicious.

I sauntered over to her, forgetting that I was in drag, and whispered in her ear how hot she looked and what I wanted to do with her. Usually when I did something like this, it caused her to gasp or shiver, but this time she just laughed. I frowned a bit, wondering why she found it so funny.

"I'm sorry babe; it's just that saying those things to me when you are dressed like that…"

I stepped a few paces back and smiled, chuckling a bit myself, and said a bit sheepishly, "I completely forgot I was dressed in drag. Maybe if I actually made a semi-decent looking chick rather than. well, what I do look like," I said motioning my hand over my face and body, "You would have been turned on."

Bella just gave a small laugh and grabbed my hand. "Come on," she said, "We need to go meet everyone else and head over to the party. I am also really curious to see what Emmett and Carlisle look like in drag. This is definitely going to require pictures for memories sake!"

"Bella," I whined, "Do we have to?"

"Yep!" she responded. "Come on, it will be fun. Anyway, you need proof so that when you are old and gray and tell your grandchildren the story of the time you took down the Queens Mafia they will believe you."

"Fine, but I am only doing it for our future grandchildren!" I huffed.

Bella stopped in her tracks and looked at me strangely. "What did you just say?"

I gave her a confused look. "I said I would do it, but only because it's for our future grandchildren."

Bella's perfect pink lips formed into a large smile. "You do realize you said _our_ grandchildren, right? Like ours together, me and you?"

"Yeah, so?" I replied. Then realization dawned on me; I was so head over heels for this woman. I knew she was it for me and there would never be anyone else I would want more than her. I planned on marrying her in the future and having a family with her, but maybe she didn't feel the same way? Shit! Did my dumbass mouth and I just screw everything up again? Would the fact that I had thought about that and wanted it someday scare her away? I hoped not. I had already spilled the beans, so I figured I might as well just be straight with her.

I faced her and took both her hands in mine and looked into those deep chocolate colored eyes and sincerely said, "Bella, you're it for me. I will never want anyone else. One day I plan on marrying you and giving you children if you want and everything that goes along with that." A tear began to trickle down her cheek and I let go of her hand. "We're over, aren't we? I just scared you away with all that didn't I?"

Bella took my hands back in hers. "Edward, look at me." I obeyed and looked into Bella's eyes, which were shining with moisture. My heart thumped heavily and quickly in my chest; I just knew she was going to tell me she didn't feel the same and that it was possible that we were over. How could someone as beautiful and wonderful as her truly want to spend the rest of her life with a clueless loser like me?

Her next words shook me to my core, the intensity and sincerity of how she said them letting me know without a doubt she truly meant every word. "Edward, baby, I feel the exact same way." Her lips curled into her enchanting smile, and I felt mine mimic hers as I leaned in and caught the lips of that smile between mine and began to kiss her fervently. Her arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me flush with her as we continued to show each other the joy of our revelation.

Pulling away, Bella giggled and told me she couldn't believe she just made out with a drag queen, then reached into her pocket and handed me a tissue. Apparently, our show of affection towards each other had caused my lipstick to smear. I wiped off the excess and then looked curiously at Bella as she reached into the neck of her sweater and pulled out a tube of lipstick. She just shrugged and remarked, "I figured you might need a touch-up and there's no room for lipstick in the pocket of these pants."

She reapplied the lipstick for me, patted me sweetly on the cheek and walked the rest of the distance to where we were meeting everyone else. I stayed put for a moment and watched the swing of her taut, black leather covered hips; I was definitely going to have to convince her to wear those pants more often.

She stopped and swiveled the top half of her body slightly in my direction and smirked. She knew exactly what I was doing. "Ok, lover boy, come on, we've got to get going. I promise to wear these pants again and give you free reign on ogling my ass while I wear them."

I hurried until I was beside her and slapped her fine, leather covered ass before slipping my arm around her waist. "You better," I replied. She giggled and moments later we were next to Carlisle's BMW in the motel's parking lot where Esme, Carlisle, Rose and Emmett were waiting.

I was right; Carlisle did make a good looking drag queen. Emmett in drag, however, made me look good. He glared at me. "Shut up, not all of us can look as good as Carlisle all dragged up."

Carlisle let out a small chuckle and Esme pinched his bottom. "My baby is hot stuff," she purred then ran her hands seductively over the curve of Carlisle's denim skirt covered ass.

As disgusting as it was to see, the look of pure horror on Rose's face made it all worth it. "Like ewwwww, Mom! I can't believe you, like, did that in front of me and in, like, public!" Esme and Carlisle smirked and gave each other some of those over the top, mushy, lovey dovey eyes while the rest of us pretty much stood stone still, hoping the memory of what we just witnessed wouldn't last.

Once we recovered from our shock, Emmett cleared his throat. "Uh…I think it's probably time we head out and head over to The Queen's Backdoor."

We all piled into Carlisle's BMW SUV and drove the ten minutes it took to get there. We reviewed the plan of action with everyone one last time. Rose, Esme, and Bella started to get everything set up and scope out the best places for their surveillance, while Emmett and I walked up and across the street to meet Jane and Alice in a nearby alleyway not too far from the Queens' store.

"You ready?" Jane questioned Emmett and me, and we nodded that we were. "You got your weapons hidden like I showed you and properly loaded?" I shook my head in the affirmative as did Emmett. Jane clapped her hands together and said, "Well, then let's go. It's time to find out where they are holding Mitchell and to bring him home!" Emmett and I grunted in response and followed Jane and Alice to the back entrance of the store to officially begin our mission.

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**O.o sorry to cut you off there but I thought I would spare you and my lovely beta a 12,000 word chapter. More to come soon I promise! **

**I do not own the name _Paraplegic Turtles_ they are an actual amateur paintball team that has an actual member of the team with a peg leg, I may actually know this man and he may actually be one of the most awesome people you will ever meet. #actualoverloadofwordactually**

**In other extremely squee worthy news GHEA is nommed in the giggle snort award under the category most cringe worthy! Imagine that a story with Gonorrhea in the title being cringe worthy, haha! Voting is open until July 4th go vote for your favorite story, tons of amazing authors and stories are nommed!**

**reviews are better than having to tuck.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Twilight not mine, the Queens Mafia however all mine! **

**Suebee is truly the loveliest beta fairy and friend in all the land.**

**Team dick rot makes me hot pre-reads and rocks my socks.**

**For those of you still with me in this massive crazy that has totally taken on a life of its own THANK YOU! You have no idea how much it means to me that you endure the twisted stuff my brain comes up with and some of you even enjoy it! haha!**

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My heart was pounding wildly as I stumbled along in the small heels I wore on my feet, nerves overcoming me, and for the first time, I feared that Jasper was right about how dangerous the QM is; maybe I shouldn't have discounted his knowledge so much. I tried to convince myself not to be nervous - it was just a bunch of drag queens how bad could things get really? What were they going to do to me, dress me up in women's clothes? Well it was a little late for that! Maybe they would subject me to their favorite Broadway tunes over and over. I could handle that; it wasn't death and really, would a bunch of queens murder over wigs? It seemed silly to me. My stomach was still rolling a bit with queasiness, but I felt a bit better, realizing the worst they would probably do to me was something I could handle.

We reached the door and Jane knocked three times. Jane and Alice had informed us beforehand that a password would be required to enter. It wasn't just any old normal password either. There were several password possibilities which changed from night to night. Each password had a letter or a number associated with it. When we were asked for the password we would be given a letter and number combo and then be expected to be able to give the correct password based on that. This all seemed a little confusing to me and I was sure I would fail, but Jane assured me she or Alice could answer for all of us.

A little window in the door like you see in the movies set in the prohibition era where you could only see the eyes of whoever was on the opposite side, slid open. Ice blue eyes with lids covered in gold sparkles and very long thick black eyelashes peered back at us. "36D" was all that very manly voice grunted.

Jane and Alice answered by singing in perfect harmony to the tune of _You Can't Hurry Love_ "I need lube, lube to ease my pain." I looked at Emmett and quirked an eyebrow at their performance. I guess that was the password because moments later I heard the grating sound of metal on metal as locks were undone. The hinges of the heavy metal door made a small, low pitched squeak as the door slowly swung open. The small amount of light in the dim hallway reflected off the gold sequin and lamé mini-dress worn by a drag queen whose size could give Emmett a run for his money, sending flecks of shimmering yellow across the dimly lit hallway.

The same gruff voice that had given us the password code grunted, "Down 30 clicks and to your right, no stopping until you get there, got it?" We all shook our head in agreement. I was hoping Jane or Alice knew what he meant by 30 clicks, because I sure as hell didn't.

Jane and Alice walked down the hall hand in hand, taking each step slowly and deliberately. I then realized they were counting their steps and 30 clicks must be referring to the clicks of their high heeled shoes. Jane and Alice stopped before us and Emmett stumbled on his heels, nearly running into me and sending me off balance. Luckily, Alice caught me by grabbing my arm to steady me before I could trip, fall, and out us all.

Once I steadied, we made a right turn and were met by another drag queen dressed in the same gold mini-dress and wearing similar gold encrusted eye shadow as the queen at the door. I figured it must be some sort of official uniform or something. The queen also seemed to be serving as a guard or security of some type. She eyed Emmett lasciviously, slowly letting her eyes wander over his body before her tongue swept out and slowly and seductively traced the lines of her lips. Alice had to pinch my waist to stop me from snorting out loud. Looked like Emmett had an admirer and I was ecstatic at how well this was going to play into a plan for revenge on him.

Once the guard queen thoroughly ogled Emmett, she turned to the group of us and asked, "What two stars did Barbara Streisand sing with in her high school choir?"

Alice bounced her tiny body excitedly and shouted, "Neil Diamond and Bobby Fischer!"

"That is correct," the queen replied and swung open the door for us to enter. "Watch your step," she warned as the doorway took us to a deep stairwell. We would be making our way down about forty stairs, and I was glad to find the stairwell brightly lit. The walls were painted in deep red with a splattering of green here and there along with gold accents that caused the stairwell to shine of its own accord. It was very rich and expensive looking and, in my opinion, a whole lot gaudy.

Apparently Candy Crackerjack, the drag queen mob boss, or whoever was in charge of design seemed to have a thing for gold. The thought made me chuckle a bit as I remembered my father's insistence that any rings or jewelry he wore and other metal accents in our home always be gold. Once, my mother tried to sneak in some silver colored knobs for a dresser of mine and he went ballistic over it. My dad was usually a pretty laid back guy and not much upset him, but remembering his whining and girl like stomping of his feet in protest of the silver knobs made me smile and laugh internally. He could be such a goof ball sometimes even if it was unintentional.

Jane went first down the stairwell followed by Alice. I took a few steps down the stairs and noticed Emmett wasn't following me. I turned to see what was keeping him and was met with a wide eyed Emmett getting his ass cradled in one of the drag queen's bulky hands as she slid her pointy red acrylic nail down his chest and slipped a piece of paper in the top part of Emmett's dress near his faux cleavage. I shot him a look to remind him he better not fuck this up for us and he realized his reaction was not conducive to keeping our cover. He loosened his tense body minutely and softened his eyes and bent over to whisper something in the queen's ear, which caused the queen to giggle swat his backside and say, "Just how I like them - big and dirty." I glared at him again as I saw him begin choking on his laughter and he hurried to catch up to me.

He shivered and exclaimed, "The things I do for you guys!" I just rolled my eyes because he wasn't as upset as he let on to be, the telltale smirk peeking out of the corner of his mouth giving him away. I bet anything he liked it; who doesn't like someone thinking they are attractive?

We soon made it to the bottom of the stairs without Emmett or me tripping, which I thanked the heavens for. When I first saw the stairs all I could think of was me in these heels tripping and plunging to my death.

We could feel a loud booming of bass reverberating throughout the hall as we stepped down from the last step, and we followed it, assuming it would lead to the party. The hallway was long and we passed several doors and mirrors before reaching where the sound was loudest.

Passing one of the mirrors, I briefly took in my reflection against Emmett's and, if I am being honest with myself, I felt a little hurt and jealous that he got hit on and I didn't. Comparing our looks as drag queens, I was positive that, although I was not pretty by any stretch of the imagination, I was a hell of a lot better looking than Sasquatch here, who, did I mention, happened to have a very hairy chest peeking out the top of his blouse. I didn't see why he was the one to get hit on and not me.

As if he could read my mind, Emmett tossed an arm around my shoulders and thumped it with his big meaty hand. "Don't worry man; the night is still young I bet you end up with more ass pinches and phone numbers than me."

I didn't want him to know that I had actually been jealous of him getting hit on by a queen and just shoved his hand off my shoulder and responded, "C'mon man that's not why we are here. We have bigger plans, remember?"

Emmett chuckled and replied, "Yeah, keep telling yourself you don't really care I got hit on and you didn't," and pushed past me to join Jane and Alice as they approached the room I assumed would be our next step into getting in deeper to the operation and finding Mitchell.

Jane turned to look at us and asked, "Are you ready?" We all nodded that we were. "Ok, this is where it gets serious. Remember what I taught you, Edward and Emmett, and from this moment on you are now Edie and Emma, alright?" Emmett and I once again nodded to let Jane know we had heard her. "If something happens and we get separated, remember the protocol. Okay, let's go!" With a swish of her hips and a graceful flourish of her hands, Jane pushed the door open and stood, hands on hips, legs apart and entered the room like she owned the place. Alice twirled gracefully in close to the same manner. Emmett and I were a little less obvious in our entrances, slipping in quietly behind them and sticking to the edges of the room, trying to gain a sense of comfort in our surroundings before we went out and interacted with the other partying queens.

Our goal was to interact with the others and see if we could get any information that would lead us to Mitchell. We realized most in attendance would not know much if anything, but Alice and Jane had a plan that would hopefully secure them a place in the VIP area where those who did know would be in attendance.

We began to mingle within the crowd of dancers a bit and soon I was approached by a brown haired queen whose hair was slicked back and set into a ponytail high on her head. She wore a tiny, red strapless dress and white platform boots that reminded me of the ones you would see go-go dancers wear.

She approached me and ran her long, red fingernail down the bare skin of my arms. "Well, hey there, sweetheart," she seductively purred. "Haven't seen you around here before. You new?"

I nodded my head yes then realized I should probably speak. Clearing my throat so that my voice wouldn't squeak from nerves, I answered, "Yes." Because that was all the words my nerves would allow me to form.

She batted her long fake eyelashes at me and asked, "What's your name, hunny?"

"Um…E-Edie," I stuttered.

"Ah, Edie, well I am Felicity. You wanna dance?" she asked.

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Sure." She sidled up to my side and brought her arm around my waist and rested her hand on my ass.

I flinched minutely and hoped she didn't notice. She giggled, though, and said, "Oh is somebody a little bit shy?" Then she leaned over to whisper in my ear. "Don't worry I'll take good care of you." She let her hot breath blow softly on my ear, and then, using the hand already resting on my rear, she squeezed gently. Awkward couldn't even begin to describe how I was feeling at this moment. And how weird was it that I almost felt guilty, like I was cheating on Bella? I thought maybe if I tried to imagine that the person at my side was Bella it would help. I did and it relaxed me some.

Once out on the dance floor, a hot as fuck, seductive slow song came on and she lazily ground her body up and down mine. "C'mon sweet stuff, aren't you going to dance?" she asked, her eyes attempting to look soft and innocent, but in reality were the farthest thing from it. I hadn't realized until then that I was standing still as stone. I gulped and steeled myself and began to grind myself along with her. I thought of dancing like this one day with Bella and I began to grow hard. When you've had your manliness taped and tucked between your legs, getting an erection is not the most comfortable thing. I began to think of Tanya Denali and the disease factory she was and, yep, that took care of my problem immediately. Besides meeting Bella, at least something else good came out of the situation with the clap skank - I now had something that worked perfectly to rid me of unwanted boners. One thought of Tanya and a hard situation, pun intended, is no longer so.

As I pretended I was into this dance, I surveyed the room looking for the others. I caught Jane's eye and she winked at me as she stood at the bar chatting it up quite flirtatiously with a couple of flashy and lasciviously dressed queens and Alice was not too far from me dancing with two queens at once. I began to grow worried because I couldn't seem to see where Emmett had gone. _Where the fuck could he have gone_? My nervousness in searching for him must have been apparent because Felicity stopped her dancing and cupped her palm on the side of my cheek. "What's the matter baby, something wrong?"

"Oh..um..uh..I was just looking for my friend I came with and I don't see hi…er I mean her anywhere."

Felicity dropped her hand from my cheek and her face fell slightly. "Oh, are you with him?"

I nodded and said, "We came together." The tiny bit of sadness I had earlier seen in her eyes was now replaced with rage.

"Why didn't you say you were already with someone?" she screeched and slapped at my chest. Thanks to the gods of silicone for the padding of my fake breasts because they took most the heat, otherwise I am sure it would have really hurt.

I stepped back a few paces, feeling quite afraid of her now, and shook my head. "No, no! It's not like that! We came here together but we are not _to-gether_ he…she is just a friend." I raised both my palms in front of me and exclaimed, "I swear!"

She eyed me intensely for a moment, trying to gauge the sincerity of my words, and as she did, I couldn't help but think _Holy shit, what a fucking drama queen_. Then I accidentally allowed a small snort out loud at the thought of drama queen, cuz you know, get it? Ha ha, queen? Ok, maybe you just had to be there for that exact moment in my head, but to me it was funny. My little slip only made Felicity angrier with me.

"WHAT?" she shrieked. "What the hell is so funny?" The look in her eyes was deathly and I began to squirm as I stood there.

"N-N-Nothing. I…um…I just that um…" I pointed to some random queen standing over by the bar. "She stuck out her tongue at me and I laughed at the immaturity?" I said, answering more like a question than a statement. Seriously, that was the best excuse I could come up with? I sucked at this big time.

Felicity's well-manicured and shadowed brows furrowed as she contemplated something for a second. "Are you sure it was her?" she asked.

"Uh…yeah, pretty sure. But it is kind of dark in here and there are a lot of people. I guess it could be somebody else," I said with a shrug.

She looked at me curiously for another minute then her look softened and so did her tone. "C'mere," she requested while grabbing my hand in hers and pulling me along, not giving me a chance to come of my own accord. "I have some people I want you to meet."

"Uh…ok, but um…can I use the bathroom first?" I asked, stumbling after her as she pulled me along. "I really got to go." She didn't seem to want to let me go, but decided to anyway, telling me to hurry back. I took off towards the bathrooms in a sprint, trying to decide what to do now. I also had the curious thought of how was I supposed to go to the bathroom when my junk was all taped up like this?

I needed to get away from Felicity and to find Alice, Jane, and Emmett - or Emma I guess I should say. Turning the corner, I ran smack into Emmett's hard body. "Fuuuck me, that hurt!" I exclaimed, taking a few steps back.

Emmett tossed the long hair of his wig over his shoulder and smirked before saying, "That's what she said!" A loud groan escaped me.

"Emmett, now is not the time for jokes," I growled. "Have you seen Jane or Alice? I feel like we have accomplished nothing since getting here but getting hit on."

Emmett looked sheepish and looked down. "Uh…no, I haven't seen either of them. I have kind of been hiding out back here."

"What the hell!" I cried and threw my arms up in the air. "How is that helpful? At. All?" I shook my head in disgust at him. "I thought out of the two of us you were the one who was the coolest with this. You said it would be a good acting exercise."

"Well that was before it was…so real and there were so many of them." At least he had the decency to look ashamed of himself.

"We will deal with this later Emma," I said, putting strong emphasis on his drag queen name. "Right now we need to find Jane and Alice."

We began to search for Jane and Alice while trying to stay hidden from Felicity. Fortunately, it didn't take long to locate the two of them. Jane pulled us off into a secluded corner and explained she had found a door that she believed led to where they could be holding Mitchell. We followed him to the door and slipped into a back corridor undetected. I froze as soon as I saw the camera in the corner monitoring our every move. Jane saw my reaction and slapped me on the shoulder and told me not to worry about it and that Alice had already taken care of disabling the monitoring equipment. The little red light that glowed when the camera was on was still shining brightly and I began to question Jane, but Alice cut me off before I could go any further. She had a mischievous smirk on her lips and a glint in her eye and told me she would explain later, but there was no time right now.

There were several corridors and doors winding along the way and I had no idea how we were supposed to find which one held Mitchell. Jane had told us earlier he was going on the theory that they would either hide him in the most obvious place, thinking because it was obvious no one would look there, or somewhere that would take some searching to find.

There were so many doors to search that Emmett suggested we split up. I began to protest because, if I had learned anything by now, it was that Emmett ideas weren't usually the wisest ideas.

Jane cut me off and said that considering the situation, it actually was a good idea. I began to fight it, but Alice gave me her scary bitch eyes and screeched that there was no time for arguing and to just do it. I had a bad feeling about it, but went along with it anyway, really having no other choice. The smug smirk Emmett gave me made me want to knee him in his balls hard, but I just clenched my jaw and resisted the temptation.

Jane and I took the left corridor and Alice and Emmett took the right, and we began trying doors, most of which seemed to be locked. I came upon one and the knob twisted; this one was unlocked. Slowly and carefully turning it, I opened the door and was greeted by the bare backside of a man on all fours. He wore a headband that had horse ears attached to it, a saddle on his back and some sort of tail hanging from his backside. I had no idea how that tail was attached and I was pretty sure I didn't want to know. Stepping up to him was another man wearing nothing but ass-less chaps and a cowboy hat, a small whip in hand. The "cowboy" whipped the other man's backside, causing him to neigh and whinny and buck and then asked him if he was ready for a good hard ride.

I figured it was time to shut the door and move on after that. I would have found that scene disturbing whether it was with two men, two women, or a man and a woman, and I tried to cleanse my brain of all memory of what I had just witnessed.

I hesitantly tried a few more doors. All were locked and I wasn't sure if feeling glad about that was right since we were trying to find Mitchell, but I was really afraid what I would find behind the next door I opened. I approached a door further down the corridor and I seemed to be able to hear a hum or a beat of some music playing behind it, but I wasn't sure. I grabbed Jane who was only a few doors ahead of me and pulled her back and asked her what she thought. She told me to try the knob and see. It was locked, but then I heard what I swear was Mitchell's voice yet more rough and gravelly than usual. It sounded horse from overuse, trying to belt out Celine Dion's _My Heart Will Go On_. I looked at Jane and she confirmed that it was him.

"How are we going to get to him?" I asked Jane. She thought for a moment and had opened her mouth to answer me when two very burly guards began heading towards us from the opposite corridor. They wore the same long, blonde wigs and the gold dresses as the other guards, and one had hold of Emmett and the other had Alice. Their arms were tied behind their backs and black cloths were tied around their mouths. Fear was prominent in their eyes.

Emmett was a pretty big, strong guy himself, but both these dudes outdid him in size and strength. I found myself wondering if maybe they liked to dress in women's clothes to compensate for their over manliness.

Realizing I had more important things to worry about at the moment, I pushed the thought aside. One of the big and burly queens spoke into a large gold bracelet she wore on her wrist and said, "Yeah, just found the other two…ok boss will do," in a deep, gruff voice. They stopped about ten feet ahead of us and brought their bulky arms up around Alice's and Emmett's necks, holding them in a tight grip and pulling them closely to their chests.

The other queen spoke and my eyes went wide because she did in a high pitched pixie like voice. "Come with us calmly and nobody gets hurt." I wanted to laugh at the voice, I wanted to cry at what they said, I wanted to strip naked and streak through the remaining corridor while shouting _I'm a pretty princess_ because, at that moment, I felt any remaining sanity I had within me leave.

The loud stomp of heeled boots signaled that there was someone behind us quickly approaching. I turned and was met with a sneer from Felicity. "Get lost while on your way to the bathroom?" whe said caustically towards me.

I didn't answer; there was nothing I could say. Like she would believe me if I said _why yes, yes I did_ or asked innocently if the door I stood in front of was the bathroom. She snapped her fingers high in the air and two more burly guards dressed the same as the rest, click clacked their heels in 4/4 time down the hall. They were upon Jane and me before we could react, pulling our arms tight behind us and securing them with rope. Soon after, our mouths were also tied shut with black cloths like Alice and Emmett's and the guards held us tightly so we couldn't move.

Reaching into her faux cleavage, Felicity pulled out a set of keys, unlocked the door we heard the music coming from and had the guards walk us in. We were then met by a second door which Felicity quickly unlocked and instructed the guards to release us in there. The guards' release was more like a forceful push and I ended up stumbling and landing flat on my face. Felicity informed us that the boss would be here soon and left the room. I stood up and dusted myself off the best I could when I saw the best thing I had seen in hours. There was Mitchell, huddled in the corner in the fetal position. He was rocking back forth mumbling, "Make it stop, dear God make it stop," over and over. Jane and Alice and Emmett had all also noticed Mitchell and we looked at each other quizzically.

Approaching Mitchell with the cautiousness one would approach an injured tiger, Jane slowly stepped closer to him and inquired, "Make what stop?"

Mitchell rocked and groaned before he answered. "The music, make it stop, please," he pleaded.

Jane turned to look at us, his bewildered look meeting our looks of confusion.

"Mitchell," she said softly. "There is no music playing. The music stopped," Jane said while slowly moving even closer to him.

Removing his hands from his ears and finally opening his eyes, he looked at the group of people surrounding him. "Jane? Alice?" he wondered

"Yes, it's us," Jane replied.

Blinking his eyes several times, trying to clear his vision, he looked over at Emmett and me. He squinted and refocused then said with a bit of shock, "Is that Edward and Emmett…in drag?" We all chuckled.

"Yeah, it is," Jane replied. "We came to rescue you, but seem to have been captured ourselves in the process."

Mitchell shot up, suddenly sitting straight and tall, a hint of his usual exuberance showing through. Gasping, he asked, "Bella, where's Bella?"

I stepped forward then and answered him. "Don't worry, Mitchell. Bella is safe. They were waiting someplace safe outside."

Mitchell shook his head a bit as if trying to shake off the remaining fog and groaned. "OH MY GOSH you guys!" he exclaimed in a voice that was becoming more and more back to Mitchell's normal tone and excitement. "You will not believe what they did to me!"

Immediately flashes of brutal physical torture leapt to my mind. "They have had me locked in this room blaring Aerosmith's _Love in an Elevator_ on repeat!" He began to sob. "It was so awful!"

Jane and Alice gasped and ran to comfort him. "Oh no, that is terrible, how did you survive?" Alice asked, completely sincere.

Emmett and I glanced at each other and shrugged. I guess that wasn't what he was expecting to hear was used as a mode of torture, either. Mitchell was about to answer when the door to our holding cell swung open and the most glamorous drag queen I had ever seen gracefully walked in. Her hair was the red of an evening sunset and was piled high on her head in a beehive. Gold ribbons hung down the back and sides of her hair, ending at the nape of her neck. Her lipstick was deep red and she wore a gold choker around her neck and a one shouldered, long, black, slinky dress that shimmered bits of white in the light. If Lucille Ball had been a drag queen, this is exactly what she would have looked like. We all stood their gaping, but her eyes seemed focused only on me, making me feel highly uncomfortable.

"You there," she said abruptly, pointing at me. "Take your wig off." Still slack jawed, I stood there frozen while she glared at me. Slowly coming to my senses, I looked at her and pointed at myself and she nodded yes. Slowly, I took out the pins that held the wig in place and slid the wig off my head. She then thrust a small white package she had retrieved from the small sparkly black clutch she held in her hand and passed it towards me. "Wipe off your makeup," she demanded. I grabbed the package, which was full of facial wipes, and began to remove the makeup from my face. There was something familiar about this queen; something about the way she looked, something about her voice, but I couldn't quite place it. I was sure I had never met her before, so I didn't know why those things would seem familiar.

While I finished removing the last of the makeup, Emmett blurted out, "Who are you?"

She chuckled lightly and responded, "Candy Crackerjack, The Queen's Mafia boss. The fact you didn't recognize me straight off is proof alone you are somewhere you should not be." Looking back to me, she inspected me for a minute before grunting and looking resigned. She motioned towards me and said, "You, and only you, come with me."

My eyes shot nervously around the room and my voice squeaked out a small, "Me?"

"Yes, you. Come on."

She turned and I followed. As soon as I was out the first set of doors, my hand was grabbed firmly by Felicity, who stood in wait outside the door. Candy Crackerjack whipped her head around and glared at Felicity. "Gentle," she commanded. Felicity lightened her grip slightly, but not much, and dragged me off down the long and winding corridor, an obviously irritated Candy Crackerjack mumbling as we went.

Soon we approached an ornate, shimmering gold door with intricate swirls and filigrees etched into its main body. The door swung open right as Candy Crackerjack approached and she stepped through. A moment later, Felicity pulled me through the door and set me down on a plush, red velvet chaise. Candy demanded she leave. Felicity began to protest, but one look shut her up as she submissively backed out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Candy was looking at a large floral painting on the back wall of the room, her back still towards me as she begun to speak. "I was hoping it would never come to this. I knew you would have to know the truth soon, but this isn't how I wanted you to find out." With a swipe of her hand across her face and seeing the small white fluttering hanging from her hand, I realized she was removing her makeup. Slowly, she undid the pins in her hair and removed her wig, then spun to face me. At that moment, the entire world stopped, time froze and the room heated up by what felt like several hundred degrees. The next words that were spoken from her/his mouth brought me to my knees, then complete darkness overcame me as he/she said, "Edward I am your father."

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**DUN...DUN...DUN...**

**What? Who hasn't wanted to turn their bestie into the Darth Vader of Twi fan fic? *shrugs* Massive smooshy kisses to the real Candy Crackerjack best friend ever to let me use her like this. She will always be the Lucy to my Ethel! **

**So ummm...did anyone catch that someone was missing? Who was it and what the hell happened to them? You wanna know review, I will tell you if you havent already figured it out. An outtake from this persons POV will be written *giggles like a maniac***

**Last day to vote in the Giggle Snort Awards if you haven't already. GHEA is nommed for most cringe worthy along with a O/S Nikita2009 and I wrote called "Deck The Balls" Many awesome fantastic people like JoFicFreak, BellaDonna Cullen, and Bella Flan are nommed if you haven't voted already you definitely should go vote for your fav! **


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